Posts Tagged ‘ #tirednewsflash ’

#tirednewsflash: medicine 101

today,

the lead Tory government has today been subject to intense criticism and continuing contemptuous hatred following new revelations regarding the future of the NHS Direct telephone service.

under new plans drawn up by Health Secretary Angela Lansbury MP, the service is to be quickly allowed to naturally stop being operative very much of its own accord, and then replaced by a different and if not worse system, called Medicine 101.

instead of being staffed by nurses and backed up by doctors, as is the NHS Direct service is currently is, Medicine 101 will employ cheaper phone operators equipped not necessarily with knowledge but with a database allowing them unprecedented access to hundreds of hours of footage from the UK and US’s most popular medical shows.

the first phase of what the Department of Health is calling ‘the 101 working scenario’ is instigated when someone worried about a health issue dials 101 into a telephone, mobile telephone, Skype handset or WiFi enabled scientific calculator. shortly after this, they are connected to the Medicine 101 Hub.

meanwhile, at the Hub, upon on learning of the details of a complaint from a caller, a crypto-highly qualified Medicine 101 Diagnosis and Treatment Delivery Operative will search the database using a certain number of keywords/phrases: e.g. ‘stab’, ‘cancerous’, ‘vacuum seal’, ‘weepy’ or ‘engorged’.

subsequent to entering the appropriate keywords/phrases, the Operative will, as immediately as possible, be then presented with a list of episodes from popular and semi-popular hospital-based dramas, comedies or documentary series in which patients with similar symptoms have featured. they will then be able to access a list of the treatments offered in the various shows, as well as the medical, dramatic or comedic consequences (for both the patient, the wider cast and in terms of the overarching narrative arc).

patients will then be texted or Tweeted any information that could be found in the database relating to their symptoms or condition, any advice on successful treatments thrown-up by the search and detailed information on the source from which the information has been gleaned. e.g. ‘9yr old boy with bleeding ears, ruptured subdural haematoma, long needle to head (Casualty; 16th July ’93, 8:00pm), died. WARNING: sad, parents sad, staff sad. possibly contributed to continued decline of programme.’

“It’s an really ingenious system when you think about it”, design team Paul Robinson-nobbert and his designer half-Scottish son Andrew Robinson-nobbert Jr., both insisted. “there is such a repository of clinical wisdom in these often thoroughly researched and realistic shows which is otherwise mostly being ignored,”

Operatives can already see data from shows as diverse and enjoyble as E.R., Grey’s Anatomy, House, M*A*S*H, Scrubs, Casualty, Jimmy’s, Surgical Spirit, 999, One Born Every Minute, Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Only When I Laugh, Doogie Howser M.D., Doctors, Young Doctors, The Flying Doctors and All Creatures Great and Small.

whatismore, the NHS is in personal negotiations with Channel 4 over Sirens, Embarrassing Bodies, No Angels and Green Wing, with ITV over Doc Martin and the UK rights to either Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman or a compendium of medical bits from McGyver, and with the BBC over Holby City, Dr. Finlay’s Casebook, Rolf’s Animal Hospital, Nurse Jackie and the one with Jo Brand in.

the Shadow(y) H(st)ealth Secret(ary), Andy Burnham was clear that he and his kind are fully opposed to the measure, describing it as “utterly crass and almost certainly not going to improve things.” “It’s such an obvious vote-pandering exercise” he later remarked in the same interview, “some bright spark intern in the Department of Health has decided that people love and trust TV more than real healthcare professionals. I, however, think that that fact is irrelevant, and what is most important is combatting this government’s total lack of regard for working people, the elderly, the Scottish and its obsession with tax cuts for big business.”

when we called, no-one from the Department of Health was available to officially respond to Mr Burnham’s accusations. however, we were told that similar slurs featuring in episodes of The Thick of It, Spitting Image and Yes Prime Minister all proved woefully ineffective.

#tirednewsflash: giant no-snow drifts hit manchester

and now, the TiredNews up your own area

hello and despite a day and a bit of disappointingly unsubstantial snow over the weekend, Manchester has since then been engulfed by a flurry of its absence.

traffic on the M60 and most inner city roads has this morning been increased to a dangerously steady flow, following yet another night of continued lack of precipitation.

pedestrians have also found it worryingly easy to get about, with Manchester city council having been inundated with complaints about a lack of lubrication on pavements and byways that are currently proving ‘perturbingly grippy’.

local business owners have been bracing themselves for unusually high levels of custom, as more or less everyone who needs or wants to is currently fully able to get out and about.

“Due to demand”, Fallowfield news and snack agent Marcus du Sautoy explained, “we’re basically having to restock shelves as soon as or sometimes before they’ve been totally emptied. At the moment my brother and I are, between us, working 8:30AM to 5:00PM, six days a week and 10:00AM till 4:00PM on Sundays to meet demand.”

South Manchester’s arts and organic crafts scene has been hit especially hard, with as of yet no clear reason why any of this week’s seemingly infinite number of baby-Yoga, Nepalese-grass-dance, smoothee-a-sise or Chinese power writing classes should be cancelled.

the unpredictedable dryness is apparently due to a sudden and profound lack of the conditions necessary for snow in and around the sky overhead. when approached for interview, no-one at Manchester Meteorological University was willing, and mostly seemed rather more confused about the proposition than i would have definitely expected. given things.

one certainty is certain, there is no sure way to know when the freak system will rapidly shift, but in the meantime North West residents are advised to buy fresh food, wear sensibly high-heeled shoes and not to check in on elderly or other potentially grumpy neighbours.

as always at TiredNews™ we are aggressively keen for you to send in your pictures of the no-snow. however, while we welcome shots of clear driveways, what we’re really after is children or animals enjoying the un-Alpine conditions and more pretentious shots involving depth of focus or sunsets. both.

and now, back to the national TiredNews™ studio in Manchester, while from us here in Manchester … that’s HOW for NOW
*borderline racist Native American-esque hand gesture*

#tirednewsflash: new news

*TiredNeeeews
dumdumdumdumdumd
TiredNeeeews
dumdumdumdumdumd

TiredNeeews TiredNeeews TiredNeeews,
dum dum dum

*sung to the tune of the Channel 4 News tune

and, your headlines are:

1) US public support for Bradley Manning falls after confusion with Bernard Manning cleared up.

b) Glitter Twitter-comeback faked.
T-shirts hailing him as the ‘Thierry Henry of Paedos’ withdrawn.

iv) Gingrich loses eye: local witches suspected.

) Stealing From Idiots, Alain de Botton’s new book about achieving bliss whilst being ‘very much the opposite of ignorant’, fails to find smug-enough audience.

&) “In truth, no news is actually bad news” admits head of ITN News

£) Princess Michael of Kent to be ‘hit hardest’ by welfare reforms.

that is all.
bonsoir.

#tirednewsflash: inzane

ZANE LOWE ARRESTED AFTER SEXIST RANT

the BBC have today terminated the contract of DJ/presenter/bearded kiwi Zane Lowe following his arrest this morning on charges relating to what can only be described as a vicious and misogynistic reaction to last night’s headline performance by Beyoncé at Glastonberry festival.

with the former Destiny’s Child member turned solo megastar becoming the first ever female artist to headline the world’s second most famous festival, emotions were bound to be running high and the music was always likely to take a back-seat to gender politics. and so it proved.

the relevant incident occurred straight after the historic set ended. as the cameras cut back to the BBC enclosure, Lowe’s then co-host (and RQT favourite) the lovely Lauren Laverne – who had clearly been quite enraptured by the struts and strains of the wiggly goddess – spurted out a lengthy and rather garbled gush about how, regardless of its rock-scented history, Glastonberry had always been about ‘great pop music’. unable to control his hatred in the face of these inclusivistical sentiments, it was then that Lowe’s true colours bubbled as it were to the surface.

not only did the New Zealander pretend to fall asleep while LaLa was waxing lyrical, but then, when she turned things over for his comment, he proceeded to laugh furiously (definitely presumably at how crap Beyoncé had been). then, as if wanting to drive home his bigoted message, he immediately folded his arms (in the infamous breast-covering gesture of the anti-woman movement) and spoke of how he had chosen to leave during the set to watch Queens Of The Stone Age, an all-white, all-male rock band, instead.

reeling viewers were then transported straight to the ageing funk of Kool & The Gang on the West Holts Stage. despite later attempts to mitigate his largely non-verbal, but unmistakably bigoted rant, Lowe was totally unable to undo the damage that had so clearly already been done. already.

soon after, feminist icon and current holder of the world record for bending right over the most times in a music video, Beyoncé demanded of BBC producers that she be able to go on camera to confront the narrow-minded Lowe. however, getting wind from a mole of what was about to ‘go down’, the Radio 1 DJ made a quick exit, providing a ridiculous excuse about wanting to go and see his children.

U2’s The Edge, who apparently rushed to Beyoncé’s compound to offer support, was later seen running after a blacked-up car leaving the media enclosure, shouting “Oh he low a’ight”.

two police later visited Lowe at his home, where the then-still presenter volunteered himself into their custody.

within moments of the initial incident, Twitter, along with the forum of the website of the United Nations Declaration On Human Rights (www.unitednationsdeclarationonhumanrights.org/forum), lit up with outraged reactions to Lowe’s hideous outburst.

the chairman of BBC entertainment, @AndrewNigelson44, initially stepped to Lowe’s defence noting “I think Zane was just rendered a bit speechless by Lauren’s reaction and was excited to talk about how much he had enjoyed QOTSA. I honestly don’t think he hates women.” this tweet was later deleted as it seems the machinery of Lowe’s departure was cranked into action.

“thinks Zane Lowe is a fascist woman-hater” soon appeared as Gwyneth Paltrow’s Facebook status, as expert opinion began to emerge. “u cud see tha hatin in he eyez”, tweeted MSNBC journalist and former friend of Michael Jackson, @martinbashir. in a similar vein, rapper, last year’s headliner and adult film director Snoop Dogg took time out on the set of one of his latest productions to state “I hope his children are proud of their ignorant, misogynist of a father”

as for us in the TiredNews studio, we were too enraptured by Beyoncé’s performance to even notice Lowe’s hateful reactions. the way she handled the momentous occasion was just awe-inspiring.

the two keys to any truly great festival performance are 1) knowing your audience and 2) having something to say, and Beyoncé was all over both. when the artist formerly known as Knowles (before her bitter and well-documented split from Nick) asked her audience to “put a bit more gangster into it” she clearly demonstrated a unique bond with the 98% white, middle class crowd.

as for having a positive message, when she encouraged all the women in the audience to thrust their hands into the faces of the ‘fellas’ near them and fiercely rotate them until they either moved away or agreed to adorn them with some expensive jewellery ‘as soon as we get home’, we, for one, fair welled-up.

#tirednewsflash: headlining

you’re looking at #tirednews

… the news, in your world, as and when it happens*, reported.

and the headlines today: are. these. headlines.

*bong* Shergar found. Then eaten.

*bong* Royal wedding list still open. I’m getting one of the two dinner plates, plus something ‘off-list’ I found in a cool boutique.

*bong* Yes vote ‘could let extreme moderate win leadership election’ claims Al-Qaeda No-To-AV campaign.

*bong* John Paul II – not exactly a saint.

*bong* China introduces world’s most weak-hearted smoking ban.

*bong* Mugabe pockets millions thanks to Bin Laden assassination & Middleton wedding dress accumulator bet.

*bong* Trump kicks off presidential campaign by forcing British nephew to do surprisingly well in snooker tournament.

and in financial news: Stock price of moths up again.

[*news will usually be available slightly after things have happened]

#tirednewsflash: midsomer whites dream

the makers of ITVone’s suddenly controversial, but not in an exciting way, crime ‘drama’ Midsomer Murders have hit back at their critics by meating their challenge heads-on.

following a recent interview with the new look RadioTimez in which producer True Brian-May ill-advisedly let slip about the show’s theirtoofour secret “white’s only” casting policy, there has been increasing heat on the programme’s production team and the commissioning executives at ITV to reverse the shame-and-white faced practice.

initially, there appeared to be an initial disinclination to sway in time with the music of popular opinion – exemplified by the bruskly toned and somewhat confused interview Midsomer’s lighting engineer, D’shawn-Leroy Freeman, gave to the TLS yesterday. “if we”, he argued, “wanted browns, moslems or ladygays in it, we would have them, but we just don’t”.

in the early hours of this morning, however, an announcement was made that has rocked the world of dull detective drama to its very soul. in a statement issued (quite deliberately) at 4:44am, series chief Inspector Eamon Cleverly revealed that:

In the interests of a more progressive casting policy, a better future for all children and in immediate and total reversal of our former policy, we have decided that in the episode currently under production – which will air in seventy nine days – the murder (a gritty street stabbing) and the series of brutal muggings and drug-related burglaries that lead up thereto, will be committed by a hooded, but undeniably black, character.

We hope that this move will once and for all end the rumours that Midsomer Murders or its production staff harbours racist prejudices or upholds any racial stereotypes.

In a skilfully crafted piece of plot development, of which we are very proud, a young man, who goes only by the name ‘Blap’, will arrive in Midsomer from one of Britain’s larger urban settlements in order to visit his aunt, Glenys Blap – a Midsomer resident since series 4. It is our hope and belief that this momentous episode will be one of the most dramatic and baffling yet.

while we admit that we have been, in the past, a little reluctant to bring the realities of modern Britain’s ethnic regions to our sleepy corner or middle-bit of the country, now that we’ve forged a new identity, we are very excited about the new possibilities that now lie ahead for the programme.

in addition to this dramatic and revolutionary token, ITV bosses have announced that a new honorary production assistant will be joining the Midsomer team, who despite not being black/moslem herself, is a girl and has apparently watched Bend It Like Beckham twice and most of The Wire.

#tirednewsflash: headliners

good even-ing

and time for a wintery of the main news in urea:

– world “gone all to bollocks” admits Tutu

– Cowell counters Cage with 4’33” cover

– many students ferrel, claims Oxford MP

– climate change knocked out of top ten worries by impending gravy shortage

– bible “original wikileaks” preach desperate vicars

– It’s A Wonderful Life “too optimistic” for xmas schedule

– royal Charles caught in car with Widdecombe — why?

and finally

#tirednewsflash: headlines

thank you

and now a summary of this morning’s main news headlines at 10s o’clocks:

bong: Cameron denies focus on middle class despite new tax relief in form of book tokens and nectar points.

bong: Robinhood Airport fined over “joke” about ‘rob from rich’ handling policy.

bong: Dick van Dyke ‘saved by porpoises’ after ‘falling asleep’ on ‘surfboard’.

bong: Inventor headlines without prepositions conjunctions, dies.

bong: “The irony is worse than the diabetes” claims Lord Sugar.

bong: “Are Milibands the new Krays?” asks Tory whitepaper. “You decide” it concludes.

bong: Tory-tower riot exposes difficultly of telling students from ‘nots’. ‘Debt hats’ proposed.

bong: U.S. entrepreneur Ira Lend to buy Ireland.

bong: Obituaries “out of step with instant news culture” claims paper introducing ‘predictuaries’.

bong: November sees most recent records since records began.

in weather: Cornwall.

and finally: Sociological study proves children from religious and atheist families actually co-operate better than vice versa.

#tirednewsflash: no news is good news

hello. and our top story today: __________

the BBC Director Major-General Mark Thompson thinks that, given the currants economic, you, the public, will have little to less sympathy for those BBC employees who plan to take part in the 48 hour NUJ strikeout today and tomorrow, which will leave the BBC news provision across both TV and radio in a precariously positioned place.

when we put that question to former NUJ spokesman Andrew St Fleetst, earlier, he has this to say: “Well he would say that wouldn’t he, Thompson?”

the initialled reports were that several BBC News faces/voices like Fiona Bruise, Kirsty Walk and Knicky Campbell would all partache in The Event by simply not turning up. “Luckily”, claimed a sauce from within the BBC’s TV news production team, “part of it is scheduled for a Saturday and people are used to the good ones being off at the weekend and it being the troll-like ones that usually only do the BBC News Channel, so we think most people won’t notice. The radio team has it easy – they’re just getting in (Jon) Culshaw to do all (the voices) for both (days).”

however, we now understand that will not be the case, and that all BBC News staff will be instead performing what is known in the trade as a no-newser. as action organiser, watercolourist and former anchor Nicholas Witchell explained to non-BBC reporters this morning, “they will all go in and it will be like normal, but they’ll say that there’s no news and will be mostly silent. it’s like a vigil. and, legally, all the presenters will have to be paid.”

it is of course not the first time BBC News staff have pulled a no-newser over pay/pension restructuring – just incase you were out of town the last time, here is some footage of 2008’s infamous ‘no news tuesday’.

.
.

well, given that we ourselves are entrenched in ongoing and sadly quite violent contract negotiations here at RQT (hence no #showertunes this weekend), we’re fully supporting all those who choose to join the strike, and roundly booing those who choose to use the opportunity to forward their careers by gleefully agreeing to swap the stacking chairs of South Yorkshire Tonight for the ‘full gas-action’ rotating thrones of the main BBC News desk.

shame on them.

#tirednewsflash: bless me father, for i have sinned

THATCHER, KARADŽIĆ & KYLE FOLLOW BLAIR’S LEAD

far from the obviously-guilt-ridden and hugely insulting gesture that many had predicted it would be widely and immediately interpreted as, it seems Tony Blair’s decision to donate several million of the, no doubt, pounds that will proceed from his forthcoming memoir, Love Love Me Do, to the Royal British Legion, has been largely greeted with puzzled indifference. what is more, as well as having been mentioned in some of the papers, former Blair’s decision has prompted others to do the same.

it has emerged today that fellow members of the St Gabriel Squash Club, Hyde Park Gate, Margaret Thatcher, Radovan Karadžić and Jeremy Kyle have all followed the suit by making similar commitments.

one third, it has been announced, of the profit made by Thatcher’s new range of Iron, Lady! electric irons will be donated to the upkeep of the National Coal Mining Museum for England in Wakefield, the north. And, on a neighbouring note, controversial former Bosnian Serb politician, comedian and escapologist, Radovan Karadžić, has promised that a “sizeable chunk” of the millions he accrued presenting NBC’s The Tonight Show from 1997 to 2004, will go towards the construction of Sarajevo’s planned mega-mosque.

monster, shatshow-host and sometime winner of Crufts, Jeremy Kyle, has likewise committed to redirect an as-yet undisclosed percentage of the money he recently publicly raised to help make obese, pre-teen benefit fraud and sexual infidelity, to a new charitable organisation setup to monitor and, where possible, slow the decline of the humanity of the audience of daytime television. the organisation, a brainchild of William G. Stewart, is known only as May God Have Mercy On Our Souls, or MGHMooS.

in a statement delivered to another news agency that we got half a wind of, Sir David Attenborough may have said “I just hope a measure of good comes of this as some kind of counterweight to all the unbelievable misery and destruction that these four human beings have caused the world.”

we have been asked to mention that Tony Blair is of course available for a whole range of expensive after-dinner speaking engagements including: Cricket Club End of Season Do, (public) School Fête, Blessing of New (Catholic) Church Roof, Dead and Maimed Soldiers’ Support Network Annual Ball, Local Labour Club/Rotary Club/Conservative Club Dinner, and so etc.

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TiredNews™ bringing you the tiredest news around

“we’re tired so you don’t have to be”

#tirednewsflash: wiki-oh-dear

LAZY CUT & PASTE BLUNDER LEAVES INDY BLUSHING

the independent newspaper The Independent has been the source of much snickering over the last few days, after some copy included in Saturday’s edition was rather carelessly lifted from a Wikipedia entry that had been altered for the purposes of comedy.

a feature on The Big Chill festival, which took place over the weekend in Herefordshire, went, it has emergéd, to, it seems, print replete with the fictional fact that “The Big Chill was founded in 1994 as the Wanky Balls festival in north London”. this misleading titbit is, in reality, an inaccuracy – hence the adjective ‘misleading’.

“yeah, that little nugget of history”, lamented junior Indy copy-writer Antonio Danbareass, whilst on her break this morning, “had apparently been added to the Wikipedia entry by some joker who didn’t bother to check the fact.”

“indeed not”, we could only concur.

the Independent join the South African government in an at-least-two strong line of organisations recently left with egg on their faeces by not having bothered to make sure that the relevant people had gotten the memo about not just copying and pasting in stuff from Wikipedia. last month, following the triumph that wasn’t the 2010 World Cup, the South African government honoured FIFA president Sepp Blatter with The Order of The Companions of O.R. Tambo or some such. however, a statement on an official website described the accolade as having been awarded to “Joseph Sepp Bellend Blatter” – a taunt which had been added to his you-know-where profile.

“Although these might look like obvious errors that should have been spotted near-immediately by anyone”, discussed Scottish TV psychologist and presenter of Chart Rundown, Dr Grant Bovine, “in actual fact studies have shown that most people don’t even see the massive gorilla that weaves in and out of the grad students passing the basketball on YouTube. The people responsible for the mistakes were also unfortunate that the element of what we call ‘existential plausibility’ was elevated in both cases. Therefore, we see that in both instants, the erroneous text found its way into official publications due to what is essentially an ironic, by-proxy Freudian slip – they knew the two packets of info were false, but they subconsciously judged them to be truthful.”

in brighter news, the (not my) home counties are suffering the worse incidences of festival related ‘upsidence’ since records began, in 2008. ‘upsidence’ is the opposite of its better known opposite ‘subsidence’, and means the opposite of that. the newly named phenomenon occurs each summer when droves of the areas’ 30-somethings take themselves, their large vehicles and stately pleasure dome-tents around the ‘festival circuit’. the annual exodus causes the counties to experience such a drop in the magnitude of the overall normal reaction between the ground and the things on it, that the ground begins to rise.

this year, so far, the upsidence has, in west Surrey and the southwestmost corner of Berkshire, reached 3cm, which is around about London. for remaining residents (or unfortunate visitors), the raising of the ground will (and-is-already) cause motion sickness, vertigo, haughtiness, a sense of there being cleaner air, a minor improvement in visibility (depending on weather conditions) and severe roads.

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TiredNews™ bringing you the tiredest news around

“we’re tired so you don’t have to be”

#tirednewsflash: octo-cop

PSYCHIC MOLLUSC AIDS MAN HUNT

senior investigating officers and tactical specialists from Northumbria Police and Scotland Yard have today travelled to the Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany, Continental Europe to consult Paul the psychic octopus with regard to the exact whereabouts is of at-large gunman Raoul Moat.

Paul recently made a splash by correctly predicting the outcome of all six of Germany’s World Cup matches. the many-armed mystic’s handlers have developed a sophisticated system whereby he is offered two what they call ‘lunch boxes’, each filled with a single mussel and an object which represents the predicted outcome, which, so far, have been miniature flags representing the national teams concerned.

TiredNews™ understands that graphic design specialists have prepared a series of small cards displaying images depicting diametrically opposed aspects of the Northumbrian landscape as well as various peripheral witnesses and objects that are currently of interest to the investigation. the hope is that the talented cephalopod may be able to extend his ‘hot streak’ by correcting discerning information which will in the end turn out to have been important.

“We appreciate that to many members of the public this might seem to represent the ludicrous and desperate straw-clutchings of a floundering investigation, but it in fact does not” insisted Detective Inspector Sergeant Angus Forward. “Not only has Paul proven over time that his skills are far beyond those of other animals, retards or psychics that we have successfully employed as ‘outsider investigators’ in the past, but his recent run shows that at the moment he is among the most in-form psychics in the world.”

the unusual move has been instigated as the second in a two-pronged strategy to hasten the capture of Mr Moat, the other of which being an intensification of police surveillance around post offices and boxes in the area, given his apparent desire to keep in contact with police by letter.

some animal-rights groups have today spoken up to say that they feel the use of psychic animals in such cases is almost never justified given the profound trauma often experienced by the creatures after, and sometimes days before, the event. PDSA spokesperson Valerie Handglide knew these words: “while we know that a psychic border collie was used in the successful location and arrest of Jeffrey Archer in 2000, we should remember that the charge was only perjury and perverting. The course of justice, and crucially the animal concerned was not required to read any of Mr Archer’s novels. There have been other cases, however, involving more violent crimes, where dogs, and in one case a horse, have been left traumatised by the graphic nature of their involvement. Needless to mention, we are against that, and always in need of funds.”

so, while Paul conducts the slow methodical work of choosing whether the fugitive Raoul Moat is more likely to be under a bed or down a hole and so forth, back in Northumbria police will continue to circle around with guns fuelling our grim fantasy that at any minute someone might get shot to the death live on Sky News, and waiting for what they hope will be the breakthrough they’ve been hoping for.

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TiredNews™ bringing you the tiredest news around

“we’re tired so you don’t have to be”

#tirednewsflash: arms around america

SUPREME COURT INSISTS “WET DEM FOOLS”

and finally, in uplifting news, the US Supreme Court has ruled that localised restrictions or bans on guns are unconstitutional and that all states must unrestrictedly allow the right to bear arms.

the ruling will mean sweeping changes to policy in many inner-city areas that have introduced tighter regulation in recent years to help to deal with localised gun crime. for example, it will end the ban on handguns in Chicago, where they have been outlawed since 1982.

given the proven fact that having easy access to guns, especially handguns, makes communities safer, the ruling can only be a good thing and something to be celebrated not just by residents of Chicago, but by all US citizens, those with family and friends in the States and even would-be visitors to the Home of the Brave.

The National Rifle Association, who campaigned hard to drive this issue to the highest level of American justice is today revelling in a decisive victory for freedom, liberty and the American way. “Like most NWA members, we live in Southern, small-town America”, drawled NRA spokesman Wade Sixlynch Jr., “but we are delighted that through our hard work and persistence, all the inner-city neighbourhoods across the country can now enjoy the same level of security and quality of life that we’all have down here. This ruling marks a great moment in American History.”

The US of A currently languishes under some of the worst personal security statistics in the world and it is hoped that this ruling will have a marked effect. “Lord knows, the only way is up”, proclaimed outspoken gun lover, right-wing lobbyist and evangelical pastor Pastor Elijah Monroe of Redwood Brook Jesus Center, Cheyenne, Wyoming, at the post-ruling press conference.

TiredNews™ understands that in the first five months of this year alone, 164 people were shot dead in Chicago because they didn’t have a weapon to defend themselves with. The Violence Policy Center estimates that the overall number of people that find themselves in this powerless position each American year is in the region of 30,000. people.

We can only hope that as a result of the Supreme Court’s actions all this needlessness will soon be laid to rest.

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TiredNews™ bringing you the tiredest news around

“we’re tired so you don’t have to be”

#tirednewsflash: robbie no longer earle

EARLE OUT ON EAR AS QUEEN SEES ORANGE

Robbie, Earle of Wimbledon, has had what he might call a shocker, and is to be stripped of his hereditary title as well as having been sacked from his job talking about football on ITV. the queen, it has emerged, was so incensed when she heard about the Earle’s actions that she spilt her dinner all over her lap tray, and there and there promised to ‘relieve him of all his honours and ruin him’.

the scandal began when it became clear that Robbie (as he is now known) ‘gave’ 36 of his complementary tickets for Monday’s Denmark vee The Netherlands group match to a dutch beer company who then used them to smuggle in thirty six women. what is more shocking is the fact that the ‘women’ were made to dress for advertising purposes chest to thigh in plain, bright orange, for which they were subsequently herded up and detained by FIFA authorities. “I couldn’t believe my eyes”, one unbelieving fan later recounted, “all in orange, they stood out like several sore thumbs. It was like Guantanamo Bay all over again. Whoever the people responsible are, they should definitely lose any ancestral titles in their families.”

It has also emerged that ‘Why the fuck does Robbie Earle get 36 complementary tickets to each World Cup game when working class South African fans are having to pay extortionate prices?’ is exactly a question noone seems to be asking.

personal friend and god-son of the former Earle, Graham Taylor has come out today and said how sad and offended the incident caused him to be. “Everyone knows how much I do not like orange, and Robbie knows that even better than the next man. I’ve taken it quite personally.” Taylor, who phoned us to tell us about his tangential involvement, said that he will be spending the next few days in quiet seclusion with his family and out of the piercing glare of the media’s lenses, and that we shouldn’t try to photograph him today, outside the Mount Nelson Hotel in Cape Town at around 12pm.

the whole incident brings back memories of the last World Cup in Germany, when the same dutch beer company tried to get fans to wear branded, promotional orange lederhosen to The Netherlands games. fans who took them up were forced to watch the matches in their vest and pants as the offending articles where confiscated by official FIFA and Budweiser police on the way into the stadia.

along with adrian chiles and Gerardgoalgate, this latest incident has put the spotlight back on how crap ITV is and on why noone likes it. an ITV spokesman told us that “Ladbrokes, William Hill, Betfair, Paddy Power and Bet 365 are offering excellent betting opportunities at the moment and we feel that our viewers deserve to continually know about them and have the right to the freedom to have a wager if they so choose to do. Likewise webuyanycar.com will literally buy any car; any car – it’s amazing when you think about it isn’t it?”

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#tirednewsflash: the silent wastes

ECOJOURNO IN HOT WATER OVER WASTEFUL LETTERS

it has been revealed today, amid low levels of other news, that the two silent letters in the full name of journalist and eco-activist George Monbiot have, over the length of his career, added several pages to the combined output of all the paper sources that have featured his work.

author and The Guardian columnist Monbiot (pronounced Mon-be-oh) – 47, 41, 36 – is well known and formerly well respected for his ecological and political writing and campaigning, but this shock revelation is bound to have a significant impact on the sales of his many thoroughly researched and well argued books such as Captive State, The Age of Consent and Heat (no longer available in magazine form), as well as stimulating plenty of teasing and hair tousling from friends and neighbours.

Monbiot’s nemesis, frankly moronic Australian geologist and climate change skeptic Ian Plimer, with whom he has had a public and ongoing spat about whether or not there is anything to worry about, was heard to ‘laugh aloud’ when first shown the news concerning the impact of the silent letters. “You just can’t spell Ian or Plimer any bloody shorter than they already are”, said Plimer to us, on the ‘phone, “I dare you to, you can’t do it. Not that you need to, seeing as the planet’s just fine and doesn’t even need us to have short names. Georgey-boy thinks it does though, although apparently not enough to ever think of changing his name.”

the research, conducted by several research students from the Department of Sociology at the University of Bristol, near Wales, found that the words George and Monbiot have been printed in direct relation to him 489,511 times over his career, which taking Helvetica 11pt and the standard dimensions of the printable area of an average paperback book as our initial experimental conditions, equates to exactly ‘several pages’.

“We felt, given his profile, that it was very much in the public interest that the data regarding Mr Monbiot’s name be made public as soon as it was known” revealed Bristol University Sociology Department spokesperson Professor Christopher Wreeves, whose PhD students have also been responsible for unearthing the truth about Leslie Ash’s disastrous lip enhancements, piecing together the exact events that led up to the tragic death of Rod Hull, and the Hutton Inquiry.

as of yet we have been unable to procure a comment from Mr Monbiot himself, but we were able to confirm from a source very close to his comfortable looking Oxfordshire home that the Monbiot family is descended from French aristocrats the Ducs de Coutard, who fled the Loire valley in 1789 for fear of their heads, and changed their family name from Beaumont to cover their tracks. when asked to speculate on why they didn’t choose a more British sounding surname like Cholmondeley or Ravenstruther,  or why George wasn’t named Albert, or even Bertie for short, Wikipedia was unable to say.

all-in-all in, it’s been a rather uncomfortable day for Mr George Monbiot, and we like you wait with bated breath to see whether he bows to the now exponentially growing public pressure to put his money where his moniker is and drop the superfluous, planet killing silent tee and e.

gorge, the ball’s in your cour

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#tirednewsflash: mackenzie tweet in poll position

SHORT BUT SWEET TWEET EYES HAY’S PRIZE

Stephen Fry has today revealed that a tweet about kelvin mackenzie composed last night during the former editor of the sun’s appearance on the BBC’s Question Time programme is currently the favourite in the Hay Festival’s Most Beautiful Tweet competition for which Fry is the judge.

kevtherev24’s brief tweet read simply: @hayfestival Kelvin Mackenzie, what a cunt.

“it’s the terse yet fragile quality of it that drew me in” gushed Fry, “plus most of the what we’ve received so far is frankly a load of old doggerel – did you see the item on the news last night which highlighted the then front-runners? crapola.” some voices have piped up against St Fry claiming that even though beauty is a thoroughly subjective notion, there is nothing ‘beautiful’ about The Reverend Kevin McNimbus’ tweet what so every.

“These are simply and unambiguously the ramblings of a religious nutjob”, wrote David Ike on his blog this morning, “That prancing queen would go way down in my estimation if he really went through and firsted that nonsense.” Fry himself has defended himself by way of the following logic – “it reminded me of the eternal truth couched in the last words of Keats’ Ode On A Grecian Urn ‘Beauty is truth, truth beauty, – that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know’.”

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#tirednewsflash: unemployment plan backfires

UNEMPLOYMENT SPIRALS OUT OF ALL KNOWN: ‘FIGURES WORST LOOKING’ EVER

the new government’s core key ‘unemployment reduction strategy’ pledge has been thrown into a hornet’s nest of a tailspin by the revelation that it has directly contributed to a rise in unemployment. the cornerstone of the strategy involved putting extra desks into Jobcentres Plus and inviting currently unemployed queuers to sit at them and have a job there. the key weakness in the system, it has subsequently emerged, is that queues at jobcentres plus and the somewhat identical original job centres that remain in particularly backwards areas, helped to keep the numbers of people registered as unemployed under control.

one of Leamington Spa’s newest ‘problem statistics’ gave us a glimpse into his miserable experience of the process thusly: “I jogged up Holly Walk on Thursday morning, as I would usually, and I noticed that there was no queue snaking out onto the street from the door of the Jobcentre Plus for the first time in my living memory. I gleefully took the opportunity to head inside and within eleven minutes I emerged officially unemployed. I related my experience to several ‘currently between jobs’ friends from my local Public House later that day and the next, and they all quickly followed my example.”

“We had hoped that the plan would cut unemployment and ease the problem of overcrowding at Jobcentres Plus and the few remaining Jobcentres that exist in backwards areas”, explained Chief Junior Strategist at the Department for Work and Pensions, Grant Nimble-Jackson, “but it seems it has backfired in a big way.” When I asked Brigadier Nimble-Jackson if he agreed that the fact that many people had received work through the scheme and, as far as can be known, no-one had lost it, must mean that although the recorded numbers of unemployed people have risen, in real terms unemployment has decreased, and he replied “Well, yes, absolutely. I mean, can we do that? With the numbers? Paul? Sorry, can you run me through that again, and can I borrow your pen?”

later,, I put it to him that standards of service in Jobcentres must surely have suffered from the influx of new untrained and in many cases unwashed staff, but he refuted that sentiment strenuously claiming that, “no, as our pre-pilot study indicated they would be, customer satisfaction scores are actually up”. however, when i pressed for more details and asked why on earth job centres would refer to their users as ‘customers’, i was bundled out of the transit van we had been using for the interview by some government issue heavies in what could only be described as suits and black glasses.

when it comes to the implementation of core government key area target strategies like tackling unemployment and the general use of statistics, it seems, at least for the time being, we are set to continue in the state that employed scientists call a ‘sense vacuum’, a ‘ridiculous knowledge hurricane’ and the ‘maddeningly empty conical flask of understanding’.

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#tirednewsflash: acute problem

ALABAMA MATH TEACHER SUSPENDED AFTER ASSASSINATION EXAMPLE

a high school math teacher from Alabama has been suspended after the Secret Service became involved in investigating reports by a local newspaper that he taught his students about geometry by asking them to calculate the angle at which they’d have to aim and shoot in order to assassinate Barack Obama in a scenario mocked up on the blackboard. the county school’s superintendent chalmers Dr. Phil Hammonds confirmed that Gregory Harrison (no relation) has been placed on ‘administrative leave’ from Corner High School in Jefferson County while the matter is fully explained away.

However, it seems, however rhetorically shocking, that Mr. Harrison was initially only given a slap on the wrist by the school board ruler, with his suspension only having been initiated in response to the public outcry which flooded in once the story hit the national press. “no-one round here cared” one string-vested parent shouted at reporters from a slow moving truck “it was only when people from the north and washingtown got involved that the shitstorm began”.

Harrison’s fellow teachers have had mixed responses to his ill-advised illustration. one spanish teacher told us that she didn’t want to talk to us and that she was definitely an american and no-one could prove anything anyway. “i dint never voted for him, so to me he ain’t no president anyways” Corner’s head of Girls’ English and Typing, Angela Lansbury told a nodding Fox News reporter. Most other teachers just seemed annoyed by the damage the Secret Service had done to the Staff Room.

“It’s definitely not a race issue” confirmed the school’s optimistic Principal, “we’ve told them all over and over about that. I’m sure it could just have easily have been Nixon or van Buren or any of the white presidents up on the board in that poorly drawn cavalcade. In fact”, she added nonsensically, “they would have been much easier to do with chalk”.

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#tirednewsflash: how to solve a problem like the leader

NEW NEW LABOUR LEADER TO BE ‘ULTIMATE ALL-ROUNDER’

it has become clear in the last few hours that the format of the televised labour party leadership contest will be “a mixture of Hole In The Wall, The Generation Game and Iron Chef UK”.

The spectacle will be broadcast live on BBC 1 and BBC 6 Music and then as usual two hours later on Dave and again another hour after that on Dave Ja Vu. prospective candidates will compete over several tedious rounds to do stuff like “squeeze through awkward-policy shaped holes, remember obscure pieces of european legislation as they scroll past on a conveyer belt, make hilarious economic recovery sausages on an uncontrollable machine and then cook them as overly dramatically as is humanely possible.”

whoever is scored well enough over the three tasks by judges Daley Thompson Bob Carolgees Charles Kennedy and Suggs so as to avoid being last or second thereto will not be involved in a public ‘election-style’ phone/email/tweet vote. those who do not, will – be.

competing candidates confirmed so far include former conjoined twins turned arch enemies David and Edwin Milliband darts legend Bobby George actual hero of mine Jon Cruddas (read his excellent pamphlet The Future of Social Democracy here) Meatloaf lookylikey Ed Balls nobody of interest Andy Burnham a freaky ventriloquist’s dummy operated by Sith Lord Mandelson and token black man Harriet Harman.

May the most entertaining human win.

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#tirednewsflash: fail

‘I DIDN’T THINK IT THROUGH’ ADMITS COCKNEY MORON

in the East London constituency of Chingford and Woodford Green a candidate is standing who bears the (presumably especially deed-polled) name of Mr None Of The Above. unfortunately for this enterprising and zany fellow his powers of thought and reasoning are not as vibrant as his collection of novelty ties and due to his having selected the alphabetically primal surname ‘Above’ he appears at the top of the list of candidates on every voting slip. belm

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#tirednewsflash: the lamb of god

WEIRD FAMILY ‘WITNESS’ FAST FOOD MIRACLE

the southwest of England witnessed a miraculous occurrence yesterday for the first time since 2002’s Dorsetshire ‘happening’ involving a vision of St. Mary in the locker rooms of a Poole swimming poole.

the revelation of the power of the divine took place at The Imperial Hotel a former rich person’s house cum giant Wetherspoons public house in Exeter Devon UK. “the lord’s power was manifest” explained witness testifier and religious-nutbag-family son Matthew Paul Wrangle 24 “when my sister (Rachael-Ruth Esther Wrangle 19) went to the bar to order some food. My father (Abraham-Issac-and-Jacob Wrangle 43) had been talking about how much he has missed the lamb burger option in Wetherspoons famous Beer and a Burger deal since it was removed before going on to request from my sister (who was going to order the food) that he would – heavy-heartedly – please have a gourmet beef burger with extra cheese extra onion rings extra bacon and a diet pepsi.

upon arriving at the bar” Wrangle long-windedly continued “my sister forgot about the gourmet beef burger and instead ordered a minted lamb burger – the option that no longer exists on the menu. to our subsequent astonishment the bartender didn’t blink an eyeball and put the order through the computer. it was only when the food arrived at our table and the astonished waiter presented my father with what in his words ‘appears to but can’t possible be one lamb burger’ that we realised that a miracle had occurred.”

according to the deputy duty manager at the Imperial who was on deliveries at the time Ian Paisley “the whole thing is certainly a mystery. the lamb burger has not been on our menu and thus the patties not in our freezer since summer 2008” Paisley bemused “when the family realised they were all shouting and dancing and singing simplistic songs of worship to god and it was quite a scene.” despite having been officially asked never to sing-out or prophesy in tongues at the pub again the Wrangles are delighted to have been the vehicles for the UK’s most recent partial unveiling of god’s awesome might. have.

when asked for a comment in relation to the incident Errol Brown of the fairly unsuccessful disco-pop-soul outfit Hot Chocolate said “well, i think i’ve made it clear in the past that i believe in miracles.”

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#tirednewsflash: spelt spells racism

AUSTRALIAN RECIPE SPELT RACISM

the Australian imprint of Penguin Books has been left reeling after a ‘spelling error’ in a popular cookbook meant that readers attempting Spelt Tagliatelle with Sardines and Prosciutto were advised to add “…salt and freshly ground black people“. While all the books yet to be shipped to retailers have been pulped and reprinted – at an estimated cost of A$20,000 – those already on the shelves will apparently not be recalled due to the ‘extreme difficulty’ involved.

the incident is not the only recent race related controversy to emanate from down under coming as it does only a few months after a group of white doctors blacked-up to impersonate the Jackson 5 on the popular Australian variety show Hey Hey It’s Saturday. the world was shocked by both the act and the apparent bemusement of the audience and presenter in response to the utter dismay of guest judge American Harry Connick Jr..

writing in the Daily Express former film director food writer and notorious faux-posh cock Michael Winner suggested that just like the shocking televised dance routine this latest incident seems to imply more than ‘simply an innocent error’ – “If it had happened in any other country” Winner jibed “Britain, South Africa, Germany or wherever, then it wouldn’t have seemed so bad, but we all know that Australia has a real history of racism and that Australians are a fundamentally racist people”.

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#tirednewsflash: cameron delighted at gay ancestry

CAMERON EMBRACES HOMO BIRTHLINE

David Cameron has answered criticism following his disastrous interview with Gay Times magazine last month by revealing that an exploration of his family tree – apparently undertaken for an upcoming familial celebration – has shown that several of his direct ancestors were gay. “we didn’t go looking for this”, Cameron told Newsnight’s Andi Peters, “i am surprised but delighted to have discovered that we have gays in the family.”

Paul Tall, a spokesperson for the internet company that the conservative führer enlisted to do the research, described how several ‘gay pockets’ made plotting the tree ‘fiendishly complex’. “we usually rely quite a bit on gender to help with the structure of a tree but dave turned out to have such a diverse and interesting heritage that many of the usual assumptions simply had to be thrown out. it took us weeks of work for example to discover that Henry Cameron (1747-1791) and William John Fabio d’Aintry (1777-1811) were in fact lovers and not just ‘uncommone man-freynds’ as they were described in a hertford newspaper in 1789.

what was even more challenging” Tall revealed “was arriving at the conclusion (now verified) that Francis Joshua Portmanteau Cameron (1788-1840) and Charles Ray Pele Mears Darwin Cameron (1790-1804) [Dave’s great great great grandfather and great great great great uncle respectfully] were their natural sons. and that sort of thing happened in a few places.”

“it’s thoroughly appropriate” smugged Cameron “that the next leader of modern britain should have such modern ancestry. i think it’s going to be far harder for people like that sordid magazine to try to make out that i’m against the gays now that it appears that i am in essence one myself. i wonder what Brown’s family tree looks like” he quipped to gathered journalists “straights all the way down i’ll wager. you be the judge.”

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#tirednewsflash: vatican radio exclusive

‘JOKE IN LYRICS OF SONG’ EXCLAIMS EXASPERATED BLOGGER

Vatican radio confirms most frequently played song in March was Run (I’m A Natural Disaster by Gnarls Barkley

“see, we’re doing our bit” the most senior priest at holyseeFM told Wes Craven’s Newsround

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