Posts Tagged ‘ #tirednewsflash ’

#tirednewsflash: medicine 101

today,

the lead Tory government has today been subject to intense criticism and continuing contemptuous hatred following new revelations regarding the future of the NHS Direct telephone service.

under new plans drawn up by Health Secretary Angela Lansbury MP, the service is to be quickly allowed to naturally stop being operative very much of its own accord, and then replaced by a different and if not worse system, called Medicine 101.

instead of being staffed by nurses and backed up by doctors, as is the NHS Direct service is currently is, Medicine 101 will employ cheaper phone operators equipped not necessarily with knowledge but with a database allowing them unprecedented access to hundreds of hours of footage from the UK and US’s most popular medical shows.

the first phase of what the Department of Health is calling ‘the 101 working scenario’ is instigated when someone worried about a health issue dials 101 into a telephone, mobile telephone, Skype handset or WiFi enabled scientific calculator. shortly after this, they are connected to the Medicine 101 Hub.

meanwhile, at the Hub, upon on learning of the details of a complaint from a caller, a crypto-highly qualified Medicine 101 Diagnosis and Treatment Delivery Operative will search the database using a certain number of keywords/phrases: e.g. ‘stab’, ‘cancerous’, ‘vacuum seal’, ‘weepy’ or ‘engorged’.

subsequent to entering the appropriate keywords/phrases, the Operative will, as immediately as possible, be then presented with a list of episodes from popular and semi-popular hospital-based dramas, comedies or documentary series in which patients with similar symptoms have featured. they will then be able to access a list of the treatments offered in the various shows, as well as the medical, dramatic or comedic consequences (for both the patient, the wider cast and in terms of the overarching narrative arc).

patients will then be texted or Tweeted any information that could be found in the database relating to their symptoms or condition, any advice on successful treatments thrown-up by the search and detailed information on the source from which the information has been gleaned. e.g. ‘9yr old boy with bleeding ears, ruptured subdural haematoma, long needle to head (Casualty; 16th July ’93, 8:00pm), died. WARNING: sad, parents sad, staff sad. possibly contributed to continued decline of programme.’

“It’s an really ingenious system when you think about it”, design team Paul Robinson-nobbert and his designer half-Scottish son Andrew Robinson-nobbert Jr., both insisted. “there is such a repository of clinical wisdom in these often thoroughly researched and realistic shows which is otherwise mostly being ignored,”

Operatives can already see data from shows as diverse and enjoyble as E.R., Grey’s Anatomy, House, M*A*S*H, Scrubs, Casualty, Jimmy’s, Surgical Spirit, 999, One Born Every Minute, Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Only When I Laugh, Doogie Howser M.D., Doctors, Young Doctors, The Flying Doctors and All Creatures Great and Small.

whatismore, the NHS is in personal negotiations with Channel 4 over Sirens, Embarrassing Bodies, No Angels and Green Wing, with ITV over Doc Martin and the UK rights to either Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman or a compendium of medical bits from McGyver, and with the BBC over Holby City, Dr. Finlay’s Casebook, Rolf’s Animal Hospital, Nurse Jackie and the one with Jo Brand in.

the Shadow(y) H(st)ealth Secret(ary), Andy Burnham was clear that he and his kind are fully opposed to the measure, describing it as “utterly crass and almost certainly not going to improve things.” “It’s such an obvious vote-pandering exercise” he later remarked in the same interview, “some bright spark intern in the Department of Health has decided that people love and trust TV more than real healthcare professionals. I, however, think that that fact is irrelevant, and what is most important is combatting this government’s total lack of regard for working people, the elderly, the Scottish and its obsession with tax cuts for big business.”

when we called, no-one from the Department of Health was available to officially respond to Mr Burnham’s accusations. however, we were told that similar slurs featuring in episodes of The Thick of It, Spitting Image and Yes Prime Minister all proved woefully ineffective.

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#tirednewsflash: giant no-snow drifts hit manchester

and now, the TiredNews up your own area

hello and despite a day and a bit of disappointingly unsubstantial snow over the weekend, Manchester has since then been engulfed by a flurry of its absence.

traffic on the M60 and most inner city roads has this morning been increased to a dangerously steady flow, following yet another night of continued lack of precipitation.

pedestrians have also found it worryingly easy to get about, with Manchester city council having been inundated with complaints about a lack of lubrication on pavements and byways that are currently proving ‘perturbingly grippy’.

local business owners have been bracing themselves for unusually high levels of custom, as more or less everyone who needs or wants to is currently fully able to get out and about.

“Due to demand”, Fallowfield news and snack agent Marcus du Sautoy explained, “we’re basically having to restock shelves as soon as or sometimes before they’ve been totally emptied. At the moment my brother and I are, between us, working 8:30AM to 5:00PM, six days a week and 10:00AM till 4:00PM on Sundays to meet demand.”

South Manchester’s arts and organic crafts scene has been hit especially hard, with as of yet no clear reason why any of this week’s seemingly infinite number of baby-Yoga, Nepalese-grass-dance, smoothee-a-sise or Chinese power writing classes should be cancelled.

the unpredictedable dryness is apparently due to a sudden and profound lack of the conditions necessary for snow in and around the sky overhead. when approached for interview, no-one at Manchester Meteorological University was willing, and mostly seemed rather more confused about the proposition than i would have definitely expected. given things.

one certainty is certain, there is no sure way to know when the freak system will rapidly shift, but in the meantime North West residents are advised to buy fresh food, wear sensibly high-heeled shoes and not to check in on elderly or other potentially grumpy neighbours.

as always at TiredNews™ we are aggressively keen for you to send in your pictures of the no-snow. however, while we welcome shots of clear driveways, what we’re really after is children or animals enjoying the un-Alpine conditions and more pretentious shots involving depth of focus or sunsets. both.

and now, back to the national TiredNews™ studio in Manchester, while from us here in Manchester … that’s HOW for NOW
*borderline racist Native American-esque hand gesture*

#tirednewsflash: new news

*TiredNeeeews
dumdumdumdumdumd
TiredNeeeews
dumdumdumdumdumd

TiredNeeews TiredNeeews TiredNeeews,
dum dum dum

*sung to the tune of the Channel 4 News tune

and, your headlines are:

1) US public support for Bradley Manning falls after confusion with Bernard Manning cleared up.

b) Glitter Twitter-comeback faked.
T-shirts hailing him as the ‘Thierry Henry of Paedos’ withdrawn.

iv) Gingrich loses eye: local witches suspected.

) Stealing From Idiots, Alain de Botton’s new book about achieving bliss whilst being ‘very much the opposite of ignorant’, fails to find smug-enough audience.

&) “In truth, no news is actually bad news” admits head of ITN News

£) Princess Michael of Kent to be ‘hit hardest’ by welfare reforms.

that is all.
bonsoir.

#tirednewsflash: inzane

ZANE LOWE ARRESTED AFTER SEXIST RANT

the BBC have today terminated the contract of DJ/presenter/bearded kiwi Zane Lowe following his arrest this morning on charges relating to what can only be described as a vicious and misogynistic reaction to last night’s headline performance by Beyoncé at Glastonberry festival.

with the former Destiny’s Child member turned solo megastar becoming the first ever female artist to headline the world’s second most famous festival, emotions were bound to be running high and the music was always likely to take a back-seat to gender politics. and so it proved.

the relevant incident occurred straight after the historic set ended. as the cameras cut back to the BBC enclosure, Lowe’s then co-host (and RQT favourite) the lovely Lauren Laverne – who had clearly been quite enraptured by the struts and strains of the wiggly goddess – spurted out a lengthy and rather garbled gush about how, regardless of its rock-scented history, Glastonberry had always been about ‘great pop music’. unable to control his hatred in the face of these inclusivistical sentiments, it was then that Lowe’s true colours bubbled as it were to the surface.

not only did the New Zealander pretend to fall asleep while LaLa was waxing lyrical, but then, when she turned things over for his comment, he proceeded to laugh furiously (definitely presumably at how crap Beyoncé had been). then, as if wanting to drive home his bigoted message, he immediately folded his arms (in the infamous breast-covering gesture of the anti-woman movement) and spoke of how he had chosen to leave during the set to watch Queens Of The Stone Age, an all-white, all-male rock band, instead.

reeling viewers were then transported straight to the ageing funk of Kool & The Gang on the West Holts Stage. despite later attempts to mitigate his largely non-verbal, but unmistakably bigoted rant, Lowe was totally unable to undo the damage that had so clearly already been done. already.

soon after, feminist icon and current holder of the world record for bending right over the most times in a music video, Beyoncé demanded of BBC producers that she be able to go on camera to confront the narrow-minded Lowe. however, getting wind from a mole of what was about to ‘go down’, the Radio 1 DJ made a quick exit, providing a ridiculous excuse about wanting to go and see his children.

U2’s The Edge, who apparently rushed to Beyoncé’s compound to offer support, was later seen running after a blacked-up car leaving the media enclosure, shouting “Oh he low a’ight”.

two police later visited Lowe at his home, where the then-still presenter volunteered himself into their custody.

within moments of the initial incident, Twitter, along with the forum of the website of the United Nations Declaration On Human Rights (www.unitednationsdeclarationonhumanrights.org/forum), lit up with outraged reactions to Lowe’s hideous outburst.

the chairman of BBC entertainment, @AndrewNigelson44, initially stepped to Lowe’s defence noting “I think Zane was just rendered a bit speechless by Lauren’s reaction and was excited to talk about how much he had enjoyed QOTSA. I honestly don’t think he hates women.” this tweet was later deleted as it seems the machinery of Lowe’s departure was cranked into action.

“thinks Zane Lowe is a fascist woman-hater” soon appeared as Gwyneth Paltrow’s Facebook status, as expert opinion began to emerge. “u cud see tha hatin in he eyez”, tweeted MSNBC journalist and former friend of Michael Jackson, @martinbashir. in a similar vein, rapper, last year’s headliner and adult film director Snoop Dogg took time out on the set of one of his latest productions to state “I hope his children are proud of their ignorant, misogynist of a father”

as for us in the TiredNews studio, we were too enraptured by Beyoncé’s performance to even notice Lowe’s hateful reactions. the way she handled the momentous occasion was just awe-inspiring.

the two keys to any truly great festival performance are 1) knowing your audience and 2) having something to say, and Beyoncé was all over both. when the artist formerly known as Knowles (before her bitter and well-documented split from Nick) asked her audience to “put a bit more gangster into it” she clearly demonstrated a unique bond with the 98% white, middle class crowd.

as for having a positive message, when she encouraged all the women in the audience to thrust their hands into the faces of the ‘fellas’ near them and fiercely rotate them until they either moved away or agreed to adorn them with some expensive jewellery ‘as soon as we get home’, we, for one, fair welled-up.

#tirednewsflash: headlining

you’re looking at #tirednews

… the news, in your world, as and when it happens*, reported.

and the headlines today: are. these. headlines.

*bong* Shergar found. Then eaten.

*bong* Royal wedding list still open. I’m getting one of the two dinner plates, plus something ‘off-list’ I found in a cool boutique.

*bong* Yes vote ‘could let extreme moderate win leadership election’ claims Al-Qaeda No-To-AV campaign.

*bong* John Paul II – not exactly a saint.

*bong* China introduces world’s most weak-hearted smoking ban.

*bong* Mugabe pockets millions thanks to Bin Laden assassination & Middleton wedding dress accumulator bet.

*bong* Trump kicks off presidential campaign by forcing British nephew to do surprisingly well in snooker tournament.

and in financial news: Stock price of moths up again.

[*news will usually be available slightly after things have happened]

#tirednewsflash: midsomer whites dream

the makers of ITVone’s suddenly controversial, but not in an exciting way, crime ‘drama’ Midsomer Murders have hit back at their critics by meating their challenge heads-on.

following a recent interview with the new look RadioTimez in which producer True Brian-May ill-advisedly let slip about the show’s theirtoofour secret “white’s only” casting policy, there has been increasing heat on the programme’s production team and the commissioning executives at ITV to reverse the shame-and-white faced practice.

initially, there appeared to be an initial disinclination to sway in time with the music of popular opinion – exemplified by the bruskly toned and somewhat confused interview Midsomer’s lighting engineer, D’shawn-Leroy Freeman, gave to the TLS yesterday. “if we”, he argued, “wanted browns, moslems or ladygays in it, we would have them, but we just don’t”.

in the early hours of this morning, however, an announcement was made that has rocked the world of dull detective drama to its very soul. in a statement issued (quite deliberately) at 4:44am, series chief Inspector Eamon Cleverly revealed that:

In the interests of a more progressive casting policy, a better future for all children and in immediate and total reversal of our former policy, we have decided that in the episode currently under production – which will air in seventy nine days – the murder (a gritty street stabbing) and the series of brutal muggings and drug-related burglaries that lead up thereto, will be committed by a hooded, but undeniably black, character.

We hope that this move will once and for all end the rumours that Midsomer Murders or its production staff harbours racist prejudices or upholds any racial stereotypes.

In a skilfully crafted piece of plot development, of which we are very proud, a young man, who goes only by the name ‘Blap’, will arrive in Midsomer from one of Britain’s larger urban settlements in order to visit his aunt, Glenys Blap – a Midsomer resident since series 4. It is our hope and belief that this momentous episode will be one of the most dramatic and baffling yet.

while we admit that we have been, in the past, a little reluctant to bring the realities of modern Britain’s ethnic regions to our sleepy corner or middle-bit of the country, now that we’ve forged a new identity, we are very excited about the new possibilities that now lie ahead for the programme.

in addition to this dramatic and revolutionary token, ITV bosses have announced that a new honorary production assistant will be joining the Midsomer team, who despite not being black/moslem herself, is a girl and has apparently watched Bend It Like Beckham twice and most of The Wire.

#tirednewsflash: headliners

good even-ing

and time for a wintery of the main news in urea:

– world “gone all to bollocks” admits Tutu

– Cowell counters Cage with 4’33” cover

– many students ferrel, claims Oxford MP

– climate change knocked out of top ten worries by impending gravy shortage

– bible “original wikileaks” preach desperate vicars

– It’s A Wonderful Life “too optimistic” for xmas schedule

– royal Charles caught in car with Widdecombe — why?

and finally