Posts Tagged ‘ Parody ’

#tirednewsflash: headliners

good even-ing

and time for a wintery of the main news in urea:

– world “gone all to bollocks” admits Tutu

– Cowell counters Cage with 4’33” cover

– many students ferrel, claims Oxford MP

– climate change knocked out of top ten worries by impending gravy shortage

– bible “original wikileaks” preach desperate vicars

– It’s A Wonderful Life “too optimistic” for xmas schedule

– royal Charles caught in car with Widdecombe — why?

and finally

#tirednewsflash: headlines

thank you

and now a summary of this morning’s main news headlines at 10s o’clocks:

bong: Cameron denies focus on middle class despite new tax relief in form of book tokens and nectar points.

bong: Robinhood Airport fined over “joke” about ‘rob from rich’ handling policy.

bong: Dick van Dyke ‘saved by porpoises’ after ‘falling asleep’ on ‘surfboard’.

bong: Inventor headlines without prepositions conjunctions, dies.

bong: “The irony is worse than the diabetes” claims Lord Sugar.

bong: “Are Milibands the new Krays?” asks Tory whitepaper. “You decide” it concludes.

bong: Tory-tower riot exposes difficultly of telling students from ‘nots’. ‘Debt hats’ proposed.

bong: U.S. entrepreneur Ira Lend to buy Ireland.

bong: Obituaries “out of step with instant news culture” claims paper introducing ‘predictuaries’.

bong: November sees most recent records since records began.

in weather: Cornwall.

and finally: Sociological study proves children from religious and atheist families actually co-operate better than vice versa.

#tirednewsflash: bless me father, for i have sinned


far from the obviously-guilt-ridden and hugely insulting gesture that many had predicted it would be widely and immediately interpreted as, it seems Tony Blair’s decision to donate several million of the, no doubt, pounds that will proceed from his forthcoming memoir, Love Love Me Do, to the Royal British Legion, has been largely greeted with puzzled indifference. what is more, as well as having been mentioned in some of the papers, former Blair’s decision has prompted others to do the same.

it has emerged today that fellow members of the St Gabriel Squash Club, Hyde Park Gate, Margaret Thatcher, Radovan Karadžić and Jeremy Kyle have all followed the suit by making similar commitments.

one third, it has been announced, of the profit made by Thatcher’s new range of Iron, Lady! electric irons will be donated to the upkeep of the National Coal Mining Museum for England in Wakefield, the north. And, on a neighbouring note, controversial former Bosnian Serb politician, comedian and escapologist, Radovan Karadžić, has promised that a “sizeable chunk” of the millions he accrued presenting NBC’s The Tonight Show from 1997 to 2004, will go towards the construction of Sarajevo’s planned mega-mosque.

monster, shatshow-host and sometime winner of Crufts, Jeremy Kyle, has likewise committed to redirect an as-yet undisclosed percentage of the money he recently publicly raised to help make obese, pre-teen benefit fraud and sexual infidelity, to a new charitable organisation setup to monitor and, where possible, slow the decline of the humanity of the audience of daytime television. the organisation, a brainchild of William G. Stewart, is known only as May God Have Mercy On Our Souls, or MGHMooS.

in a statement delivered to another news agency that we got half a wind of, Sir David Attenborough may have said “I just hope a measure of good comes of this as some kind of counterweight to all the unbelievable misery and destruction that these four human beings have caused the world.”

we have been asked to mention that Tony Blair is of course available for a whole range of expensive after-dinner speaking engagements including: Cricket Club End of Season Do, (public) School Fête, Blessing of New (Catholic) Church Roof, Dead and Maimed Soldiers’ Support Network Annual Ball, Local Labour Club/Rotary Club/Conservative Club Dinner, and so etc.


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#tirednewsflash: wiki-oh-dear


the independent newspaper The Independent has been the source of much snickering over the last few days, after some copy included in Saturday’s edition was rather carelessly lifted from a Wikipedia entry that had been altered for the purposes of comedy.

a feature on The Big Chill festival, which took place over the weekend in Herefordshire, went, it has emergéd, to, it seems, print replete with the fictional fact that “The Big Chill was founded in 1994 as the Wanky Balls festival in north London”. this misleading titbit is, in reality, an inaccuracy – hence the adjective ‘misleading’.

“yeah, that little nugget of history”, lamented junior Indy copy-writer Antonio Danbareass, whilst on her break this morning, “had apparently been added to the Wikipedia entry by some joker who didn’t bother to check the fact.”

“indeed not”, we could only concur.

the Independent join the South African government in an at-least-two strong line of organisations recently left with egg on their faeces by not having bothered to make sure that the relevant people had gotten the memo about not just copying and pasting in stuff from Wikipedia. last month, following the triumph that wasn’t the 2010 World Cup, the South African government honoured FIFA president Sepp Blatter with The Order of The Companions of O.R. Tambo or some such. however, a statement on an official website described the accolade as having been awarded to “Joseph Sepp Bellend Blatter” – a taunt which had been added to his you-know-where profile.

“Although these might look like obvious errors that should have been spotted near-immediately by anyone”, discussed Scottish TV psychologist and presenter of Chart Rundown, Dr Grant Bovine, “in actual fact studies have shown that most people don’t even see the massive gorilla that weaves in and out of the grad students passing the basketball on YouTube. The people responsible for the mistakes were also unfortunate that the element of what we call ‘existential plausibility’ was elevated in both cases. Therefore, we see that in both instants, the erroneous text found its way into official publications due to what is essentially an ironic, by-proxy Freudian slip – they knew the two packets of info were false, but they subconsciously judged them to be truthful.”

in brighter news, the (not my) home counties are suffering the worse incidences of festival related ‘upsidence’ since records began, in 2008. ‘upsidence’ is the opposite of its better known opposite ‘subsidence’, and means the opposite of that. the newly named phenomenon occurs each summer when droves of the areas’ 30-somethings take themselves, their large vehicles and stately pleasure dome-tents around the ‘festival circuit’. the annual exodus causes the counties to experience such a drop in the magnitude of the overall normal reaction between the ground and the things on it, that the ground begins to rise.

this year, so far, the upsidence has, in west Surrey and the southwestmost corner of Berkshire, reached 3cm, which is around about London. for remaining residents (or unfortunate visitors), the raising of the ground will (and-is-already) cause motion sickness, vertigo, haughtiness, a sense of there being cleaner air, a minor improvement in visibility (depending on weather conditions) and severe roads.


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#tirednewsflash: octo-cop


senior investigating officers and tactical specialists from Northumbria Police and Scotland Yard have today travelled to the Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany, Continental Europe to consult Paul the psychic octopus with regard to the exact whereabouts is of at-large gunman Raoul Moat.

Paul recently made a splash by correctly predicting the outcome of all six of Germany’s World Cup matches. the many-armed mystic’s handlers have developed a sophisticated system whereby he is offered two what they call ‘lunch boxes’, each filled with a single mussel and an object which represents the predicted outcome, which, so far, have been miniature flags representing the national teams concerned.

TiredNews™ understands that graphic design specialists have prepared a series of small cards displaying images depicting diametrically opposed aspects of the Northumbrian landscape as well as various peripheral witnesses and objects that are currently of interest to the investigation. the hope is that the talented cephalopod may be able to extend his ‘hot streak’ by correcting discerning information which will in the end turn out to have been important.

“We appreciate that to many members of the public this might seem to represent the ludicrous and desperate straw-clutchings of a floundering investigation, but it in fact does not” insisted Detective Inspector Sergeant Angus Forward. “Not only has Paul proven over time that his skills are far beyond those of other animals, retards or psychics that we have successfully employed as ‘outsider investigators’ in the past, but his recent run shows that at the moment he is among the most in-form psychics in the world.”

the unusual move has been instigated as the second in a two-pronged strategy to hasten the capture of Mr Moat, the other of which being an intensification of police surveillance around post offices and boxes in the area, given his apparent desire to keep in contact with police by letter.

some animal-rights groups have today spoken up to say that they feel the use of psychic animals in such cases is almost never justified given the profound trauma often experienced by the creatures after, and sometimes days before, the event. PDSA spokesperson Valerie Handglide knew these words: “while we know that a psychic border collie was used in the successful location and arrest of Jeffrey Archer in 2000, we should remember that the charge was only perjury and perverting. The course of justice, and crucially the animal concerned was not required to read any of Mr Archer’s novels. There have been other cases, however, involving more violent crimes, where dogs, and in one case a horse, have been left traumatised by the graphic nature of their involvement. Needless to mention, we are against that, and always in need of funds.”

so, while Paul conducts the slow methodical work of choosing whether the fugitive Raoul Moat is more likely to be under a bed or down a hole and so forth, back in Northumbria police will continue to circle around with guns fuelling our grim fantasy that at any minute someone might get shot to the death live on Sky News, and waiting for what they hope will be the breakthrough they’ve been hoping for.


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#tirednewsflash: arms around america


and finally, in uplifting news, the US Supreme Court has ruled that localised restrictions or bans on guns are unconstitutional and that all states must unrestrictedly allow the right to bear arms.

the ruling will mean sweeping changes to policy in many inner-city areas that have introduced tighter regulation in recent years to help to deal with localised gun crime. for example, it will end the ban on handguns in Chicago, where they have been outlawed since 1982.

given the proven fact that having easy access to guns, especially handguns, makes communities safer, the ruling can only be a good thing and something to be celebrated not just by residents of Chicago, but by all US citizens, those with family and friends in the States and even would-be visitors to the Home of the Brave.

The National Rifle Association, who campaigned hard to drive this issue to the highest level of American justice is today revelling in a decisive victory for freedom, liberty and the American way. “Like most NWA members, we live in Southern, small-town America”, drawled NRA spokesman Wade Sixlynch Jr., “but we are delighted that through our hard work and persistence, all the inner-city neighbourhoods across the country can now enjoy the same level of security and quality of life that we’all have down here. This ruling marks a great moment in American History.”

The US of A currently languishes under some of the worst personal security statistics in the world and it is hoped that this ruling will have a marked effect. “Lord knows, the only way is up”, proclaimed outspoken gun lover, right-wing lobbyist and evangelical pastor Pastor Elijah Monroe of Redwood Brook Jesus Center, Cheyenne, Wyoming, at the post-ruling press conference.

TiredNews™ understands that in the first five months of this year alone, 164 people were shot dead in Chicago because they didn’t have a weapon to defend themselves with. The Violence Policy Center estimates that the overall number of people that find themselves in this powerless position each American year is in the region of 30,000. people.

We can only hope that as a result of the Supreme Court’s actions all this needlessness will soon be laid to rest.


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“we’re tired so you don’t have to be”

#tirednewsflash: robbie no longer earle


Robbie, Earle of Wimbledon, has had what he might call a shocker, and is to be stripped of his hereditary title as well as having been sacked from his job talking about football on ITV. the queen, it has emerged, was so incensed when she heard about the Earle’s actions that she spilt her dinner all over her lap tray, and there and there promised to ‘relieve him of all his honours and ruin him’.

the scandal began when it became clear that Robbie (as he is now known) ‘gave’ 36 of his complementary tickets for Monday’s Denmark vee The Netherlands group match to a dutch beer company who then used them to smuggle in thirty six women. what is more shocking is the fact that the ‘women’ were made to dress for advertising purposes chest to thigh in plain, bright orange, for which they were subsequently herded up and detained by FIFA authorities. “I couldn’t believe my eyes”, one unbelieving fan later recounted, “all in orange, they stood out like several sore thumbs. It was like Guantanamo Bay all over again. Whoever the people responsible are, they should definitely lose any ancestral titles in their families.”

It has also emerged that ‘Why the fuck does Robbie Earle get 36 complementary tickets to each World Cup game when working class South African fans are having to pay extortionate prices?’ is exactly a question noone seems to be asking.

personal friend and god-son of the former Earle, Graham Taylor has come out today and said how sad and offended the incident caused him to be. “Everyone knows how much I do not like orange, and Robbie knows that even better than the next man. I’ve taken it quite personally.” Taylor, who phoned us to tell us about his tangential involvement, said that he will be spending the next few days in quiet seclusion with his family and out of the piercing glare of the media’s lenses, and that we shouldn’t try to photograph him today, outside the Mount Nelson Hotel in Cape Town at around 12pm.

the whole incident brings back memories of the last World Cup in Germany, when the same dutch beer company tried to get fans to wear branded, promotional orange lederhosen to The Netherlands games. fans who took them up were forced to watch the matches in their vest and pants as the offending articles where confiscated by official FIFA and Budweiser police on the way into the stadia.

along with adrian chiles and Gerardgoalgate, this latest incident has put the spotlight back on how crap ITV is and on why noone likes it. an ITV spokesman told us that “Ladbrokes, William Hill, Betfair, Paddy Power and Bet 365 are offering excellent betting opportunities at the moment and we feel that our viewers deserve to continually know about them and have the right to the freedom to have a wager if they so choose to do. Likewise will literally buy any car; any car – it’s amazing when you think about it isn’t it?”


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“we’re tired so you don’t have to be”