Posts Tagged ‘ News ’

#tirednewsflash: how to solve a problem like the leader

NEW NEW LABOUR LEADER TO BE ‘ULTIMATE ALL-ROUNDER’

it has become clear in the last few hours that the format of the televised labour party leadership contest will be “a mixture of Hole In The Wall, The Generation Game and Iron Chef UK”.

The spectacle will be broadcast live on BBC 1 and BBC 6 Music and then as usual two hours later on Dave and again another hour after that on Dave Ja Vu. prospective candidates will compete over several tedious rounds to do stuff like “squeeze through awkward-policy shaped holes, remember obscure pieces of european legislation as they scroll past on a conveyer belt, make hilarious economic recovery sausages on an uncontrollable machine and then cook them as overly dramatically as is humanely possible.”

whoever is scored well enough over the three tasks by judges Daley Thompson Bob Carolgees Charles Kennedy and Suggs so as to avoid being last or second thereto will not be involved in a public ‘election-style’ phone/email/tweet vote. those who do not, will – be.

competing candidates confirmed so far include former conjoined twins turned arch enemies David and Edwin Milliband darts legend Bobby George actual hero of mine Jon Cruddas (read his excellent pamphlet The Future of Social Democracy here) Meatloaf lookylikey Ed Balls nobody of interest Andy Burnham a freaky ventriloquist’s dummy operated by Sith Lord Mandelson and token black man Harriet Harman.

May the most entertaining human win.

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#tirednewsflash: fail

‘I DIDN’T THINK IT THROUGH’ ADMITS COCKNEY MORON

in the East London constituency of Chingford and Woodford Green a candidate is standing who bears the (presumably especially deed-polled) name of Mr None Of The Above. unfortunately for this enterprising and zany fellow his powers of thought and reasoning are not as vibrant as his collection of novelty ties and due to his having selected the alphabetically primal surname ‘Above’ he appears at the top of the list of candidates on every voting slip. belm

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#tirednewsflash: the lamb of god

WEIRD FAMILY ‘WITNESS’ FAST FOOD MIRACLE

the southwest of England witnessed a miraculous occurrence yesterday for the first time since 2002’s Dorsetshire ‘happening’ involving a vision of St. Mary in the locker rooms of a Poole swimming poole.

the revelation of the power of the divine took place at The Imperial Hotel a former rich person’s house cum giant Wetherspoons public house in Exeter Devon UK. “the lord’s power was manifest” explained witness testifier and religious-nutbag-family son Matthew Paul Wrangle 24 “when my sister (Rachael-Ruth Esther Wrangle 19) went to the bar to order some food. My father (Abraham-Issac-and-Jacob Wrangle 43) had been talking about how much he has missed the lamb burger option in Wetherspoons famous Beer and a Burger deal since it was removed before going on to request from my sister (who was going to order the food) that he would – heavy-heartedly – please have a gourmet beef burger with extra cheese extra onion rings extra bacon and a diet pepsi.

upon arriving at the bar” Wrangle long-windedly continued “my sister forgot about the gourmet beef burger and instead ordered a minted lamb burger – the option that no longer exists on the menu. to our subsequent astonishment the bartender didn’t blink an eyeball and put the order through the computer. it was only when the food arrived at our table and the astonished waiter presented my father with what in his words ‘appears to but can’t possible be one lamb burger’ that we realised that a miracle had occurred.”

according to the deputy duty manager at the Imperial who was on deliveries at the time Ian Paisley “the whole thing is certainly a mystery. the lamb burger has not been on our menu and thus the patties not in our freezer since summer 2008” Paisley bemused “when the family realised they were all shouting and dancing and singing simplistic songs of worship to god and it was quite a scene.” despite having been officially asked never to sing-out or prophesy in tongues at the pub again the Wrangles are delighted to have been the vehicles for the UK’s most recent partial unveiling of god’s awesome might. have.

when asked for a comment in relation to the incident Errol Brown of the fairly unsuccessful disco-pop-soul outfit Hot Chocolate said “well, i think i’ve made it clear in the past that i believe in miracles.”

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#tirednewsflash: spelt spells racism

AUSTRALIAN RECIPE SPELT RACISM

the Australian imprint of Penguin Books has been left reeling after a ‘spelling error’ in a popular cookbook meant that readers attempting Spelt Tagliatelle with Sardines and Prosciutto were advised to add “…salt and freshly ground black people“. While all the books yet to be shipped to retailers have been pulped and reprinted – at an estimated cost of A$20,000 – those already on the shelves will apparently not be recalled due to the ‘extreme difficulty’ involved.

the incident is not the only recent race related controversy to emanate from down under coming as it does only a few months after a group of white doctors blacked-up to impersonate the Jackson 5 on the popular Australian variety show Hey Hey It’s Saturday. the world was shocked by both the act and the apparent bemusement of the audience and presenter in response to the utter dismay of guest judge American Harry Connick Jr..

writing in the Daily Express former film director food writer and notorious faux-posh cock Michael Winner suggested that just like the shocking televised dance routine this latest incident seems to imply more than ‘simply an innocent error’ – “If it had happened in any other country” Winner jibed “Britain, South Africa, Germany or wherever, then it wouldn’t have seemed so bad, but we all know that Australia has a real history of racism and that Australians are a fundamentally racist people”.

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#tirednewsflash: cameron delighted at gay ancestry

CAMERON EMBRACES HOMO BIRTHLINE

David Cameron has answered criticism following his disastrous interview with Gay Times magazine last month by revealing that an exploration of his family tree – apparently undertaken for an upcoming familial celebration – has shown that several of his direct ancestors were gay. “we didn’t go looking for this”, Cameron told Newsnight’s Andi Peters, “i am surprised but delighted to have discovered that we have gays in the family.”

Paul Tall, a spokesperson for the internet company that the conservative führer enlisted to do the research, described how several ‘gay pockets’ made plotting the tree ‘fiendishly complex’. “we usually rely quite a bit on gender to help with the structure of a tree but dave turned out to have such a diverse and interesting heritage that many of the usual assumptions simply had to be thrown out. it took us weeks of work for example to discover that Henry Cameron (1747-1791) and William John Fabio d’Aintry (1777-1811) were in fact lovers and not just ‘uncommone man-freynds’ as they were described in a hertford newspaper in 1789.

what was even more challenging” Tall revealed “was arriving at the conclusion (now verified) that Francis Joshua Portmanteau Cameron (1788-1840) and Charles Ray Pele Mears Darwin Cameron (1790-1804) [Dave’s great great great grandfather and great great great great uncle respectfully] were their natural sons. and that sort of thing happened in a few places.”

“it’s thoroughly appropriate” smugged Cameron “that the next leader of modern britain should have such modern ancestry. i think it’s going to be far harder for people like that sordid magazine to try to make out that i’m against the gays now that it appears that i am in essence one myself. i wonder what Brown’s family tree looks like” he quipped to gathered journalists “straights all the way down i’ll wager. you be the judge.”

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#tirednewsflash: vatican radio exclusive

‘JOKE IN LYRICS OF SONG’ EXCLAIMS EXASPERATED BLOGGER

Vatican radio confirms most frequently played song in March was Run (I’m A Natural Disaster by Gnarls Barkley

“see, we’re doing our bit” the most senior priest at holyseeFM told Wes Craven’s Newsround

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