Posts Tagged ‘ News ’

#tirednewsflash: new news


TiredNeeews TiredNeeews TiredNeeews,
dum dum dum

*sung to the tune of the Channel 4 News tune

and, your headlines are:

1) US public support for Bradley Manning falls after confusion with Bernard Manning cleared up.

b) Glitter Twitter-comeback faked.
T-shirts hailing him as the ‘Thierry Henry of Paedos’ withdrawn.

iv) Gingrich loses eye: local witches suspected.

) Stealing From Idiots, Alain de Botton’s new book about achieving bliss whilst being ‘very much the opposite of ignorant’, fails to find smug-enough audience.

&) “In truth, no news is actually bad news” admits head of ITN News

£) Princess Michael of Kent to be ‘hit hardest’ by welfare reforms.

that is all.

#tirednewsflash: midsomer whites dream

the makers of ITVone’s suddenly controversial, but not in an exciting way, crime ‘drama’ Midsomer Murders have hit back at their critics by meating their challenge heads-on.

following a recent interview with the new look RadioTimez in which producer True Brian-May ill-advisedly let slip about the show’s theirtoofour secret “white’s only” casting policy, there has been increasing heat on the programme’s production team and the commissioning executives at ITV to reverse the shame-and-white faced practice.

initially, there appeared to be an initial disinclination to sway in time with the music of popular opinion – exemplified by the bruskly toned and somewhat confused interview Midsomer’s lighting engineer, D’shawn-Leroy Freeman, gave to the TLS yesterday. “if we”, he argued, “wanted browns, moslems or ladygays in it, we would have them, but we just don’t”.

in the early hours of this morning, however, an announcement was made that has rocked the world of dull detective drama to its very soul. in a statement issued (quite deliberately) at 4:44am, series chief Inspector Eamon Cleverly revealed that:

In the interests of a more progressive casting policy, a better future for all children and in immediate and total reversal of our former policy, we have decided that in the episode currently under production – which will air in seventy nine days – the murder (a gritty street stabbing) and the series of brutal muggings and drug-related burglaries that lead up thereto, will be committed by a hooded, but undeniably black, character.

We hope that this move will once and for all end the rumours that Midsomer Murders or its production staff harbours racist prejudices or upholds any racial stereotypes.

In a skilfully crafted piece of plot development, of which we are very proud, a young man, who goes only by the name ‘Blap’, will arrive in Midsomer from one of Britain’s larger urban settlements in order to visit his aunt, Glenys Blap – a Midsomer resident since series 4. It is our hope and belief that this momentous episode will be one of the most dramatic and baffling yet.

while we admit that we have been, in the past, a little reluctant to bring the realities of modern Britain’s ethnic regions to our sleepy corner or middle-bit of the country, now that we’ve forged a new identity, we are very excited about the new possibilities that now lie ahead for the programme.

in addition to this dramatic and revolutionary token, ITV bosses have announced that a new honorary production assistant will be joining the Midsomer team, who despite not being black/moslem herself, is a girl and has apparently watched Bend It Like Beckham twice and most of The Wire.

#tirednewsflash: headliners

good even-ing

and time for a wintery of the main news in urea:

– world “gone all to bollocks” admits Tutu

– Cowell counters Cage with 4’33” cover

– many students ferrel, claims Oxford MP

– climate change knocked out of top ten worries by impending gravy shortage

– bible “original wikileaks” preach desperate vicars

– It’s A Wonderful Life “too optimistic” for xmas schedule

– royal Charles caught in car with Widdecombe — why?

and finally

#tirednewsflash: headlines

thank you

and now a summary of this morning’s main news headlines at 10s o’clocks:

bong: Cameron denies focus on middle class despite new tax relief in form of book tokens and nectar points.

bong: Robinhood Airport fined over “joke” about ‘rob from rich’ handling policy.

bong: Dick van Dyke ‘saved by porpoises’ after ‘falling asleep’ on ‘surfboard’.

bong: Inventor headlines without prepositions conjunctions, dies.

bong: “The irony is worse than the diabetes” claims Lord Sugar.

bong: “Are Milibands the new Krays?” asks Tory whitepaper. “You decide” it concludes.

bong: Tory-tower riot exposes difficultly of telling students from ‘nots’. ‘Debt hats’ proposed.

bong: U.S. entrepreneur Ira Lend to buy Ireland.

bong: Obituaries “out of step with instant news culture” claims paper introducing ‘predictuaries’.

bong: November sees most recent records since records began.

in weather: Cornwall.

and finally: Sociological study proves children from religious and atheist families actually co-operate better than vice versa.

#tirednewsflash: no news is good news

hello. and our top story today: __________

the BBC Director Major-General Mark Thompson thinks that, given the currants economic, you, the public, will have little to less sympathy for those BBC employees who plan to take part in the 48 hour NUJ strikeout today and tomorrow, which will leave the BBC news provision across both TV and radio in a precariously positioned place.

when we put that question to former NUJ spokesman Andrew St Fleetst, earlier, he has this to say: “Well he would say that wouldn’t he, Thompson?”

the initialled reports were that several BBC News faces/voices like Fiona Bruise, Kirsty Walk and Knicky Campbell would all partache in The Event by simply not turning up. “Luckily”, claimed a sauce from within the BBC’s TV news production team, “part of it is scheduled for a Saturday and people are used to the good ones being off at the weekend and it being the troll-like ones that usually only do the BBC News Channel, so we think most people won’t notice. The radio team has it easy – they’re just getting in (Jon) Culshaw to do all (the voices) for both (days).”

however, we now understand that will not be the case, and that all BBC News staff will be instead performing what is known in the trade as a no-newser. as action organiser, watercolourist and former anchor Nicholas Witchell explained to non-BBC reporters this morning, “they will all go in and it will be like normal, but they’ll say that there’s no news and will be mostly silent. it’s like a vigil. and, legally, all the presenters will have to be paid.”

it is of course not the first time BBC News staff have pulled a no-newser over pay/pension restructuring – just incase you were out of town the last time, here is some footage of 2008’s infamous ‘no news tuesday’.


well, given that we ourselves are entrenched in ongoing and sadly quite violent contract negotiations here at RQT (hence no #showertunes this weekend), we’re fully supporting all those who choose to join the strike, and roundly booing those who choose to use the opportunity to forward their careers by gleefully agreeing to swap the stacking chairs of South Yorkshire Tonight for the ‘full gas-action’ rotating thrones of the main BBC News desk.

shame on them.

#tirednewsflash: wiki-oh-dear


the independent newspaper The Independent has been the source of much snickering over the last few days, after some copy included in Saturday’s edition was rather carelessly lifted from a Wikipedia entry that had been altered for the purposes of comedy.

a feature on The Big Chill festival, which took place over the weekend in Herefordshire, went, it has emergéd, to, it seems, print replete with the fictional fact that “The Big Chill was founded in 1994 as the Wanky Balls festival in north London”. this misleading titbit is, in reality, an inaccuracy – hence the adjective ‘misleading’.

“yeah, that little nugget of history”, lamented junior Indy copy-writer Antonio Danbareass, whilst on her break this morning, “had apparently been added to the Wikipedia entry by some joker who didn’t bother to check the fact.”

“indeed not”, we could only concur.

the Independent join the South African government in an at-least-two strong line of organisations recently left with egg on their faeces by not having bothered to make sure that the relevant people had gotten the memo about not just copying and pasting in stuff from Wikipedia. last month, following the triumph that wasn’t the 2010 World Cup, the South African government honoured FIFA president Sepp Blatter with The Order of The Companions of O.R. Tambo or some such. however, a statement on an official website described the accolade as having been awarded to “Joseph Sepp Bellend Blatter” – a taunt which had been added to his you-know-where profile.

“Although these might look like obvious errors that should have been spotted near-immediately by anyone”, discussed Scottish TV psychologist and presenter of Chart Rundown, Dr Grant Bovine, “in actual fact studies have shown that most people don’t even see the massive gorilla that weaves in and out of the grad students passing the basketball on YouTube. The people responsible for the mistakes were also unfortunate that the element of what we call ‘existential plausibility’ was elevated in both cases. Therefore, we see that in both instants, the erroneous text found its way into official publications due to what is essentially an ironic, by-proxy Freudian slip – they knew the two packets of info were false, but they subconsciously judged them to be truthful.”

in brighter news, the (not my) home counties are suffering the worse incidences of festival related ‘upsidence’ since records began, in 2008. ‘upsidence’ is the opposite of its better known opposite ‘subsidence’, and means the opposite of that. the newly named phenomenon occurs each summer when droves of the areas’ 30-somethings take themselves, their large vehicles and stately pleasure dome-tents around the ‘festival circuit’. the annual exodus causes the counties to experience such a drop in the magnitude of the overall normal reaction between the ground and the things on it, that the ground begins to rise.

this year, so far, the upsidence has, in west Surrey and the southwestmost corner of Berkshire, reached 3cm, which is around about London. for remaining residents (or unfortunate visitors), the raising of the ground will (and-is-already) cause motion sickness, vertigo, haughtiness, a sense of there being cleaner air, a minor improvement in visibility (depending on weather conditions) and severe roads.


TiredNews™ bringing you the tiredest news around

“we’re tired so you don’t have to be”

#tirednewsflash: octo-cop


senior investigating officers and tactical specialists from Northumbria Police and Scotland Yard have today travelled to the Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany, Continental Europe to consult Paul the psychic octopus with regard to the exact whereabouts is of at-large gunman Raoul Moat.

Paul recently made a splash by correctly predicting the outcome of all six of Germany’s World Cup matches. the many-armed mystic’s handlers have developed a sophisticated system whereby he is offered two what they call ‘lunch boxes’, each filled with a single mussel and an object which represents the predicted outcome, which, so far, have been miniature flags representing the national teams concerned.

TiredNews™ understands that graphic design specialists have prepared a series of small cards displaying images depicting diametrically opposed aspects of the Northumbrian landscape as well as various peripheral witnesses and objects that are currently of interest to the investigation. the hope is that the talented cephalopod may be able to extend his ‘hot streak’ by correcting discerning information which will in the end turn out to have been important.

“We appreciate that to many members of the public this might seem to represent the ludicrous and desperate straw-clutchings of a floundering investigation, but it in fact does not” insisted Detective Inspector Sergeant Angus Forward. “Not only has Paul proven over time that his skills are far beyond those of other animals, retards or psychics that we have successfully employed as ‘outsider investigators’ in the past, but his recent run shows that at the moment he is among the most in-form psychics in the world.”

the unusual move has been instigated as the second in a two-pronged strategy to hasten the capture of Mr Moat, the other of which being an intensification of police surveillance around post offices and boxes in the area, given his apparent desire to keep in contact with police by letter.

some animal-rights groups have today spoken up to say that they feel the use of psychic animals in such cases is almost never justified given the profound trauma often experienced by the creatures after, and sometimes days before, the event. PDSA spokesperson Valerie Handglide knew these words: “while we know that a psychic border collie was used in the successful location and arrest of Jeffrey Archer in 2000, we should remember that the charge was only perjury and perverting. The course of justice, and crucially the animal concerned was not required to read any of Mr Archer’s novels. There have been other cases, however, involving more violent crimes, where dogs, and in one case a horse, have been left traumatised by the graphic nature of their involvement. Needless to mention, we are against that, and always in need of funds.”

so, while Paul conducts the slow methodical work of choosing whether the fugitive Raoul Moat is more likely to be under a bed or down a hole and so forth, back in Northumbria police will continue to circle around with guns fuelling our grim fantasy that at any minute someone might get shot to the death live on Sky News, and waiting for what they hope will be the breakthrough they’ve been hoping for.


TiredNews™ bringing you the tiredest news around

“we’re tired so you don’t have to be”