#tirednewsflash: giant no-snow drifts hit manchester

and now, the TiredNews up your own area

hello and despite a day and a bit of disappointingly unsubstantial snow over the weekend, Manchester has since then been engulfed by a flurry of its absence.

traffic on the M60 and most inner city roads has this morning been increased to a dangerously steady flow, following yet another night of continued lack of precipitation.

pedestrians have also found it worryingly easy to get about, with Manchester city council having been inundated with complaints about a lack of lubrication on pavements and byways that are currently proving ‘perturbingly grippy’.

local business owners have been bracing themselves for unusually high levels of custom, as more or less everyone who needs or wants to is currently fully able to get out and about.

“Due to demand”, Fallowfield news and snack agent Marcus du Sautoy explained, “we’re basically having to restock shelves as soon as or sometimes before they’ve been totally emptied. At the moment my brother and I are, between us, working 8:30AM to 5:00PM, six days a week and 10:00AM till 4:00PM on Sundays to meet demand.”

South Manchester’s arts and organic crafts scene has been hit especially hard, with as of yet no clear reason why any of this week’s seemingly infinite number of baby-Yoga, Nepalese-grass-dance, smoothee-a-sise or Chinese power writing classes should be cancelled.

the unpredictedable dryness is apparently due to a sudden and profound lack of the conditions necessary for snow in and around the sky overhead. when approached for interview, no-one at Manchester Meteorological University was willing, and mostly seemed rather more confused about the proposition than i would have definitely expected. given things.

one certainty is certain, there is no sure way to know when the freak system will rapidly shift, but in the meantime North West residents are advised to buy fresh food, wear sensibly high-heeled shoes and not to check in on elderly or other potentially grumpy neighbours.

as always at TiredNews™ we are aggressively keen for you to send in your pictures of the no-snow. however, while we welcome shots of clear driveways, what we’re really after is children or animals enjoying the un-Alpine conditions and more pretentious shots involving depth of focus or sunsets. both.

and now, back to the national TiredNews™ studio in Manchester, while from us here in Manchester … that’s HOW for NOW
*borderline racist Native American-esque hand gesture*

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