#tirednewsflash: inzane


the BBC have today terminated the contract of DJ/presenter/bearded kiwi Zane Lowe following his arrest this morning on charges relating to what can only be described as a vicious and misogynistic reaction to last night’s headline performance by Beyoncé at Glastonberry festival.

with the former Destiny’s Child member turned solo megastar becoming the first ever female artist to headline the world’s second most famous festival, emotions were bound to be running high and the music was always likely to take a back-seat to gender politics. and so it proved.

the relevant incident occurred straight after the historic set ended. as the cameras cut back to the BBC enclosure, Lowe’s then co-host (and RQT favourite) the lovely Lauren Laverne – who had clearly been quite enraptured by the struts and strains of the wiggly goddess – spurted out a lengthy and rather garbled gush about how, regardless of its rock-scented history, Glastonberry had always been about ‘great pop music’. unable to control his hatred in the face of these inclusivistical sentiments, it was then that Lowe’s true colours bubbled as it were to the surface.

not only did the New Zealander pretend to fall asleep while LaLa was waxing lyrical, but then, when she turned things over for his comment, he proceeded to laugh furiously (definitely presumably at how crap Beyoncé had been). then, as if wanting to drive home his bigoted message, he immediately folded his arms (in the infamous breast-covering gesture of the anti-woman movement) and spoke of how he had chosen to leave during the set to watch Queens Of The Stone Age, an all-white, all-male rock band, instead.

reeling viewers were then transported straight to the ageing funk of Kool & The Gang on the West Holts Stage. despite later attempts to mitigate his largely non-verbal, but unmistakably bigoted rant, Lowe was totally unable to undo the damage that had so clearly already been done. already.

soon after, feminist icon and current holder of the world record for bending right over the most times in a music video, Beyoncé demanded of BBC producers that she be able to go on camera to confront the narrow-minded Lowe. however, getting wind from a mole of what was about to ‘go down’, the Radio 1 DJ made a quick exit, providing a ridiculous excuse about wanting to go and see his children.

U2’s The Edge, who apparently rushed to Beyoncé’s compound to offer support, was later seen running after a blacked-up car leaving the media enclosure, shouting “Oh he low a’ight”.

two police later visited Lowe at his home, where the then-still presenter volunteered himself into their custody.

within moments of the initial incident, Twitter, along with the forum of the website of the United Nations Declaration On Human Rights (www.unitednationsdeclarationonhumanrights.org/forum), lit up with outraged reactions to Lowe’s hideous outburst.

the chairman of BBC entertainment, @AndrewNigelson44, initially stepped to Lowe’s defence noting “I think Zane was just rendered a bit speechless by Lauren’s reaction and was excited to talk about how much he had enjoyed QOTSA. I honestly don’t think he hates women.” this tweet was later deleted as it seems the machinery of Lowe’s departure was cranked into action.

“thinks Zane Lowe is a fascist woman-hater” soon appeared as Gwyneth Paltrow’s Facebook status, as expert opinion began to emerge. “u cud see tha hatin in he eyez”, tweeted MSNBC journalist and former friend of Michael Jackson, @martinbashir. in a similar vein, rapper, last year’s headliner and adult film director Snoop Dogg took time out on the set of one of his latest productions to state “I hope his children are proud of their ignorant, misogynist of a father”

as for us in the TiredNews studio, we were too enraptured by Beyoncé’s performance to even notice Lowe’s hateful reactions. the way she handled the momentous occasion was just awe-inspiring.

the two keys to any truly great festival performance are 1) knowing your audience and 2) having something to say, and Beyoncé was all over both. when the artist formerly known as Knowles (before her bitter and well-documented split from Nick) asked her audience to “put a bit more gangster into it” she clearly demonstrated a unique bond with the 98% white, middle class crowd.

as for having a positive message, when she encouraged all the women in the audience to thrust their hands into the faces of the ‘fellas’ near them and fiercely rotate them until they either moved away or agreed to adorn them with some expensive jewellery ‘as soon as we get home’, we, for one, fair welled-up.

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  • Comments (2)
    • Kirkycheep
    • June 27th, 2011

    Aw….she’s so pretty and shiney. I like her.
    Gastrognome should’ve gone to glasto. He would’ve been Glastognome.

    • KTownLass
    • June 27th, 2011

    Best tirednewsflash EVER. Love, a feminist who can still enjoy Beyonce’s ‘licious booty. X

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