#tirednewsflash: octo-cop

PSYCHIC MOLLUSC AIDS MAN HUNT

senior investigating officers and tactical specialists from Northumbria Police and Scotland Yard have today travelled to the Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany, Continental Europe to consult Paul the psychic octopus with regard to the exact whereabouts is of at-large gunman Raoul Moat.

Paul recently made a splash by correctly predicting the outcome of all six of Germany’s World Cup matches. the many-armed mystic’s handlers have developed a sophisticated system whereby he is offered two what they call ‘lunch boxes’, each filled with a single mussel and an object which represents the predicted outcome, which, so far, have been miniature flags representing the national teams concerned.

TiredNews™ understands that graphic design specialists have prepared a series of small cards displaying images depicting diametrically opposed aspects of the Northumbrian landscape as well as various peripheral witnesses and objects that are currently of interest to the investigation. the hope is that the talented cephalopod may be able to extend his ‘hot streak’ by correcting discerning information which will in the end turn out to have been important.

“We appreciate that to many members of the public this might seem to represent the ludicrous and desperate straw-clutchings of a floundering investigation, but it in fact does not” insisted Detective Inspector Sergeant Angus Forward. “Not only has Paul proven over time that his skills are far beyond those of other animals, retards or psychics that we have successfully employed as ‘outsider investigators’ in the past, but his recent run shows that at the moment he is among the most in-form psychics in the world.”

the unusual move has been instigated as the second in a two-pronged strategy to hasten the capture of Mr Moat, the other of which being an intensification of police surveillance around post offices and boxes in the area, given his apparent desire to keep in contact with police by letter.

some animal-rights groups have today spoken up to say that they feel the use of psychic animals in such cases is almost never justified given the profound trauma often experienced by the creatures after, and sometimes days before, the event. PDSA spokesperson Valerie Handglide knew these words: “while we know that a psychic border collie was used in the successful location and arrest of Jeffrey Archer in 2000, we should remember that the charge was only perjury and perverting. The course of justice, and crucially the animal concerned was not required to read any of Mr Archer’s novels. There have been other cases, however, involving more violent crimes, where dogs, and in one case a horse, have been left traumatised by the graphic nature of their involvement. Needless to mention, we are against that, and always in need of funds.”

so, while Paul conducts the slow methodical work of choosing whether the fugitive Raoul Moat is more likely to be under a bed or down a hole and so forth, back in Northumbria police will continue to circle around with guns fuelling our grim fantasy that at any minute someone might get shot to the death live on Sky News, and waiting for what they hope will be the breakthrough they’ve been hoping for.

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