#tirednewsflash: robbie no longer earle


Robbie, Earle of Wimbledon, has had what he might call a shocker, and is to be stripped of his hereditary title as well as having been sacked from his job talking about football on ITV. the queen, it has emerged, was so incensed when she heard about the Earle’s actions that she spilt her dinner all over her lap tray, and there and there promised to ‘relieve him of all his honours and ruin him’.

the scandal began when it became clear that Robbie (as he is now known) ‘gave’ 36 of his complementary tickets for Monday’s Denmark vee The Netherlands group match to a dutch beer company who then used them to smuggle in thirty six women. what is more shocking is the fact that the ‘women’ were made to dress for advertising purposes chest to thigh in plain, bright orange, for which they were subsequently herded up and detained by FIFA authorities. “I couldn’t believe my eyes”, one unbelieving fan later recounted, “all in orange, they stood out like several sore thumbs. It was like Guantanamo Bay all over again. Whoever the people responsible are, they should definitely lose any ancestral titles in their families.”

It has also emerged that ‘Why the fuck does Robbie Earle get 36 complementary tickets to each World Cup game when working class South African fans are having to pay extortionate prices?’ is exactly a question noone seems to be asking.

personal friend and god-son of the former Earle, Graham Taylor has come out today and said how sad and offended the incident caused him to be. “Everyone knows how much I do not like orange, and Robbie knows that even better than the next man. I’ve taken it quite personally.” Taylor, who phoned us to tell us about his tangential involvement, said that he will be spending the next few days in quiet seclusion with his family and out of the piercing glare of the media’s lenses, and that we shouldn’t try to photograph him today, outside the Mount Nelson Hotel in Cape Town at around 12pm.

the whole incident brings back memories of the last World Cup in Germany, when the same dutch beer company tried to get fans to wear branded, promotional orange lederhosen to The Netherlands games. fans who took them up were forced to watch the matches in their vest and pants as the offending articles where confiscated by official FIFA and Budweiser police on the way into the stadia.

along with adrian chiles and Gerardgoalgate, this latest incident has put the spotlight back on how crap ITV is and on why noone likes it. an ITV spokesman told us that “Ladbrokes, William Hill, Betfair, Paddy Power and Bet 365 are offering excellent betting opportunities at the moment and we feel that our viewers deserve to continually know about them and have the right to the freedom to have a wager if they so choose to do. Likewise webuyanycar.com will literally buy any car; any car – it’s amazing when you think about it isn’t it?”


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