#tirednewsflash: how to solve a problem like the leader

NEW NEW LABOUR LEADER TO BE ‘ULTIMATE ALL-ROUNDER’

it has become clear in the last few hours that the format of the televised labour party leadership contest will be “a mixture of Hole In The Wall, The Generation Game and Iron Chef UK”.

The spectacle will be broadcast live on BBC 1 and BBC 6 Music and then as usual two hours later on Dave and again another hour after that on Dave Ja Vu. prospective candidates will compete over several tedious rounds to do stuff like “squeeze through awkward-policy shaped holes, remember obscure pieces of european legislation as they scroll past on a conveyer belt, make hilarious economic recovery sausages on an uncontrollable machine and then cook them as overly dramatically as is humanely possible.”

whoever is scored well enough over the three tasks by judges Daley Thompson Bob Carolgees Charles Kennedy and Suggs so as to avoid being last or second thereto will not be involved in a public ‘election-style’ phone/email/tweet vote. those who do not, will – be.

competing candidates confirmed so far include former conjoined twins turned arch enemies David and Edwin Milliband darts legend Bobby George actual hero of mine Jon Cruddas (read his excellent pamphlet The Future of Social Democracy here) Meatloaf lookylikey Ed Balls nobody of interest Andy Burnham a freaky ventriloquist’s dummy operated by Sith Lord Mandelson and token black man Harriet Harman.

May the most entertaining human win.

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