#tirednewsflash: cameron delighted at gay ancestry


David Cameron has answered criticism following his disastrous interview with Gay Times magazine last month by revealing that an exploration of his family tree – apparently undertaken for an upcoming familial celebration – has shown that several of his direct ancestors were gay. “we didn’t go looking for this”, Cameron told Newsnight’s Andi Peters, “i am surprised but delighted to have discovered that we have gays in the family.”

Paul Tall, a spokesperson for the internet company that the conservative führer enlisted to do the research, described how several ‘gay pockets’ made plotting the tree ‘fiendishly complex’. “we usually rely quite a bit on gender to help with the structure of a tree but dave turned out to have such a diverse and interesting heritage that many of the usual assumptions simply had to be thrown out. it took us weeks of work for example to discover that Henry Cameron (1747-1791) and William John Fabio d’Aintry (1777-1811) were in fact lovers and not just ‘uncommone man-freynds’ as they were described in a hertford newspaper in 1789.

what was even more challenging” Tall revealed “was arriving at the conclusion (now verified) that Francis Joshua Portmanteau Cameron (1788-1840) and Charles Ray Pele Mears Darwin Cameron (1790-1804) [Dave’s great great great grandfather and great great great great uncle respectfully] were their natural sons. and that sort of thing happened in a few places.”

“it’s thoroughly appropriate” smugged Cameron “that the next leader of modern britain should have such modern ancestry. i think it’s going to be far harder for people like that sordid magazine to try to make out that i’m against the gays now that it appears that i am in essence one myself. i wonder what Brown’s family tree looks like” he quipped to gathered journalists “straights all the way down i’ll wager. you be the judge.”


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